Animal Rights

The spider never tried to attack me. It just kept spinning web after web after web after web, until one day I just snapped.

It wasn’t just the fact that I had to pull spider webs off my face every time I walked through a doorway; it was more of a boundary issue.

The spider was curious, and would often set up shop in the shower; over the bed; or over the toilet, where it could watch me.

I tried to shoo it away on several occassions, but it would not budge.

I went on a campaign; tearing down every web I could find, but the webs would be rebuilt in the morning, better and stronger than the webs they replaced. Each fine, elegant structure more functional; more precise, than the intricate mazes which preceeded them.

One morning, after I had cleared all of the webs, I had to use the toilet. Hovering above the seat was one of the dreaded spiders.

It was then, and there, I decided that I had to send a strong message.

Seizing the moment, I grabbed a butane lighter and burned off three of it’s legs. Then I sprayed pepper spray in five of it’s eyes; leaving one eye untouched, so it could see what I was doing to it. Then I tore off two of it’s remaining legs, and used them to viciously beat the creature about the head and neck area. Then I pointed and laughed at it as it crawled away in shame.

The next day it had spun another web. Of course, that web was not quite so elegant, intricate, or as structurally sound as the last web. It hung awkwardly from it’s new web. It just kept staring, spitefully, with it’s remaining eye.

So, I burned down it’s web, smothered it in shaving cream, and threw it into the toilet. Then, in plain view of it’s friends and family, I gleefully flushed it down the pipes.

Upon leaving my residence, the next morning, I was surprised to see that there were no animal right’s activists protesting my grievous acts of wanton violence. There were no naked and semi-naked celebrities protesting on behalf of PETA. No angry mobs blocked my way. No crazed dirty hippies splashed red paint all over my new spider-skin jacket.

That time I was lucky.