At the end of a rainbow there wasn’t a pot of gold. I found that out when I was forty two, staring at bankruptcy. A friend of mine said,

“Many millionaires and celebrities have been bankrupt in the past, so stay calm, you are not the only one. It’s just a cycle of financial life.”

In theory, you can make a fresh start after a bankruptcy but it’s certainly not meant to be an easy start. My home was sold as part of paying debts. My old bank accounts were frozen. There are not many banks that provide the service for a non discharged bankrupt. They think you are a cheat and surely not welcome.

In despair sometimes kindness can mean humiliation. Everything seemed ugly and horrible. Friends changed their tones unintentionally because my social value in their mind had changed and it transpired into words subconsciously. Perhaps, it was an instinct to fight back; I began to destroy the world I lived in. At the time, I found solace in drinking because it created an instant barrier to the past. I became an outcast which meant no one bothered me. At last there was some kind of freedom.

Moving on in my case was accidental. I mean a real accident. One day, I locked myself out and was trying to get in through the kitchen window on the first floor. The evening light and my all day drinking took me off the ladder. I landed on the ground with a broken left leg. While being in hospital I became a confirmed alcoholic with a broken left leg. It was not easy going about, and that’s not just getting some drink.  Joining an alcoholic anonymous was the next step. It was not just an eye opening but it made me face up to the real situation. It was like writing it down in front of you instead of just thinking of it. It did make a different meeting other people in similar situation. Trying to help each other was like staring at a mirror image of my life. Telling each other what happened, why it happened and where we’d been was like standing naked in public, after a while we had nothing to hide. A new challenge after so many years of exile in a waste land of denial, I began to understand. Mind over matter instead of matter over mind, I learnt the art of living through acceptance and understanding myself. Later I could see that the troubles I had, were as important as my perception of them.