Big Derek has Shane the IT guy in his office and he is yelling in Shane’s face.
   “Do you know what a worm is Shane?”
   “An insect?”
   “Not a real worm asshole! An office worm!”
   Shane is about to cry. Big Derek is happy. “I don’t know,” says Shane.
   “A worm is a person that eats shit. You eat sh–”
   Jane the Head of HR walks into Big Derek’s office.
   “Shane go back to your desk please,” says Jane the Head of HR.
   Shane runs out of the room.
   “Derek,” says Jane the Head of HR.
   “Big Derek,” says Big Derek.
   “Big Derek. You have to stop making people cry.”
   “Why?”
   “Many reasons.”
   “Name one.”
   “Law suits.”
   “Wait.”
   Big Derek goes in his desk drawer and takes out a fake gold Rolex he bought on a whoring expedition through South East Asia. He gives the watch to Jane the Head of HR. “I was going to give this to my wife. But she died.”
   “Oh my god.” Jane the Head of HR covers her mouth. “Big Derek it’s beautiful.”
   “It’s yours. Take it.”
   A tear rolls down Jane the Head of HR’s cheek. “I can’t accept this.”
   “Sssh,” says Big Derek. He takes Jane the Head of HR by her shoulders, turns her round and pats her on the ass. She walks out of his office putting the watch on.
   Big Derek is sitting on a bed in the doctor’s office. His shirt is open and his baggy flesh is hanging out.
   “You have heart disease,” says the doctor.
   “Fuck heart disease.”
   “This one’s no joke. Your arteries are clogged up and everything. I’m surprised any blood gets through at all.”
   Big Derek buttons up his shirt. “I said fuck heart disease. I can beat that shit.”
   Big Derek sits in a strip club watching a Cambodian girl gyrate on stage. She has a walleye that is white and goes out to the side. Big Derek thinks she must’ve got kicked in the head by a horse as a child. But then he thinks nah they probably don’t have horses in Cambodia, it was probably a mule.
   Big Derek is at home in his kitchen. He holds out two twenties and a ten for the babysitter.
   “Did you eat anything?” he says.
   “Um, some Tim Tams.”
   “Okay.”
   Big Derek peels off the ten, replaces it with a five and gives the girl forty-five.
   Big Derek goes into a black room and turns the light on. A little boy and a little girl sit up in bed. “Go to sleep,” says Big Derek. He turns the light off.
   Big Derek pours himself a whiskey then calls Jane the Head of HR.
   “What time is it?” he says.
   “It’s a fake.”
   “You’re a fake.”
   Big Derek falls asleep watching Letterman.

© Rupert Taylor, 2011