Bombs exploding overhead. The defining blare of gunshots surrounding me. Feelings of complete chaos. I can’t think. I can’t move. I can’t feel. Nothing seems real anymore. Am I awake or have I found myself in some kind of vivid dream, waiting to be awoken safely back home. I can hear the shrill screams of fellow soldiers floating through the open air, coming from all sides of this little hole in which I have taken refuge. God, please let this be a fucking dream.

My body has still not gotten used to this horrid climate. With an increase in humidity, comes an increase in asthma; which I never realized I had till I was dropped off into this god-forsaken piece-of-shit country. Breathing, of all things, has now become something more of a chore. Just Stay calm, take deep breaths. You’re going to be fine. This will all be over soon.

                We had years of training for this moment. We learned about the basics of combat, of survival, of following orders. We were taught how to dress and act like the perfect soldier. We had spent so much time learning how to properly fix, clean, build, and shoot our M16A2s, that by the end of our training, we knew our weapons better then the backs of our own hands.

We were taught about loyalty, duty, respect. We were taught about selflessness, courage, integrity. We were taught about honor. We were taught that we were heroes, fighting for the freedoms of our families, our friends, and our neighbors. We were made to believe that what we were doing was right, that we were saving the future for the generations to come after us.

Now here I am, at the moment we had spent so long preparing for, on my hands a knees praying to god for my life to be spared. Am I being a coward? A bad soldier? Am I letting my country down, hiding like a little bitch, from this constant threat of pain? Of Death? They told us fear was a natural reaction for when the brain perceives a threat. All we have to do is focus on our duty, and that fear will just sink back to the depths of our mind. Focus on the mission at hand. Try and ignore the fact you have fellow soldiers on each side, unloading round after round of 5.56 millimeter lead bullets into the flesh and bone of complete strangers. Try and ignore the screams of your close friend being burned alive somewhere behind you. And especially, ignore the fact that there is a very good chance you may be the one screaming next.