Our wedding day was the first day I saw Michael truly happy, with an easy smile on his face, and it changed my life, though in a different way than you would expect on your wedding day. The brevity held in the moment we said our vows was nothing next to the realization that the handsome face I had grown so fond of had become my reason for being. I believed in us to my very core. For someone like me who never believed in anything, least of all in myself, it was strange to be able to see a future, but I did. I saw a quiet country home on a small farm with several large, loud dogs and a stupid old tom cat that slept in the sun, too fat and lazy to chase mice. Most especially, I saw our children beaming up at us with his bright blue eyes, my auburn hair and a mixture of our smiles. One single jewel-bright tear slid down my cheek glinting in the light of the beautifully lit church as I whispered “I do.” I never felt more real or alive than in that moment that we pulled away from our first kiss as a married couple.

As we were told it would, dinner flew by in a flurry of familiar faces and light conversation.  We mingled with everyone and barely saw each other until our first dance together. I laid my head on his chest as we swayed deftly with the music feeling there was nowhere else I would rather be in the world.

With an ugly and unwelcome twinge of despair, I knew this would be the happiest day of my life. Even in the midst of the teeming tide pool of love in the room, I knew I would be swept into my adult life with nothing to look forward to as much as I had this day. In a more heart-rending moment I realized I would likely never see that easy smile on my Michael’s face again.  I desperately hoped then I was wrong and that the feelings I had were just traces of my old compulsions.

We had always talked about having children together, even from the very first few months of our budding relationship. Our biggest connection until we got to know each other was that we knew we were born to become parents, and as we grew to know each other, we could see that in the other person. I could hardly wait for our wedding night so we could get started with our biggest dreams together. At first, each time was filled with intent and anticipation. A few times, I was even sure that I was pregnant when I woke up the next morning feeling a warm, heavy glow emanating from me. Again and again we went to get tested, and for three years, it broke my heart each time I saw Michael’s face fall. I knew he blamed himself, but we kept trying until it became a morbid routine of half-hearted tries followed by half-hoping trips across town to the doctor which were then followed by the sad silent drive home.