Decompose a Recompose

By: Rionel “2tet” Belen Caldo

How it feels to be hurt to the fullest?

Is it when you open up and you were never heard? Or is it when you trusted the most and you were betrayed in return?

It was on the 3rd day of July 2009 when my heart begins to break. That was the most regrettable day of my life. It was a fiery night that I decided to tell every feel of mine to my so – called best friend.

The feeling was too intense, I can’t help it and I can’t hide it anymore. I was about to leave then, but I refused. Maybe, because I was thinking that my ultimate love will learn to love me too, provided that I will be good. Believing that showing my love and care will let this lad understand my feelings and be heard.

But, as expected, I was never loved in return.

It’s so logical for me to understand that we can never be together as partner. Maybe, it was a curse that this love of mine will never feel the same way too forever. Oh my God! That was so throbbing. How can this feeling be so real and how this pain kills my personality, my entire identity.

I was so hurt. I let my other friends know about everything. I trusted them, believing they could help me get through it. It was okay then, I felt as if I was comforted. But, everything changes.

They are now thinking much of the condition of the other. I was not jealous! What I’m feeling at this very moment is that they don’t consider my feelings anymore. They are hiding secrets, as if I was playing the fool. I never knew about courtships, personal interactions, gatherings and the like.

I never knew that my love is already in love with someone else and definitely not with me. I never knew that my ultimate dream is now committed, for this teen is having a baby. That my forever endeavor will not devote to divinity anymore.

I was hurt the most. Where will I go? Where will I situate myself? If I know that each moves and actions of them kill me. How all my friends can set aside my feelings? Telling me to adjust? They were all insensitive of my feelings. They are pushing me to do things that are not me. My love only feels insecurity, but I was the one hurting.

I was shut out! I was confronted! I was scolded! I was embarrassed! I was about to be hit!

Now, I finally decided to resign. This is the only way to arrange things for my love and for my friends. I’m hoping someday this teen will realize how much I love him.

For now, I have to move on. I have to forget everything even the friendships we made and our friends made. It is a sad goodbye for me; they can still go on without me. How about me?