A satirical article.

CHILDREN are facing an anxious wait for a resolution to an ongoing dispute between Santa and his elves.

 The heated discussion (which melted the meeting room at the North Pole) has been ongoing ever since plans to modernise the way that Santa distributes the presents to the millions of children (except to those who are parentless or living in poverty for whom he doesn’t give a shit) were announced four years ago.

 Creatures Who are Undersized Union (CWU), who say they represent the common elf, have said that the current wages of two magic beans per hour is considerably less than other mythical jobs. They claim, for example, that the Easter Bunny pays at least 4 magic beans an hour and that the Tooth Fairy has a more generous pension scheme.

 CWU last week announced plans to stage a strike on the 24th and 25th of December which is set to have more of an impact than last year’s badly-planned strike on the 3rd June which was completely ineffective.

 Future proposals for modernisation at the North Pole Distribution Centre include replacing Rudolph’s nose with an energy-saving 3 amp bulb and scrapping the letters system, making children e-mail their greedy lists instead.

 Under new discrimination laws, Santa is also no longer permitted to only employ little people and last week was forced to employ his first tall elf which required heightening the entire Fictitious Toy Factory’s roof by five feet, costing millions of beans.

 The CWU’s fear is that these modernisations will result in job losses and that it is concerned that the bigger people will make the smaller people feel small. They are also criticising the business strategy as Santa hasn’t made any profit since he started the company.

 Luke Hughes-Little, spokesman for CWU, commented about the situation but his voice didn’t travel high enough up for us to hear what he said.

 Self-pitying full-page ads by Santa have been appearing in publications read by his customers such as The Beano and some sad tie-in magazine to whatever Disney drivel is popular at the moment

 He has also mentioned in the adverts that in order to generate more cash to the loss-making enterprise, he has also agreed to appear in a romantic-comedy with Beth Ditto entitled ‘Being Proud To be fat, Doesn’t Make You Look Any More Attractive’ which critics have denounced as ‘The worst film ever made, yet somehow still twenty times better than Vince Vaughn’s Couples Retreat’

 Dragon’s Den half-born weirdo Theo The Foetus said: “Giving away millions of toys once a year to children is no way to run a business. Appearing on a BBC Game show and giving millions of pounds away to potential-less fame-seeking retards is a much more sensible route to take.”

 Duncan Banana Time said something completely incomprehensible but most probably equally worthless.

 The CWU have  been criticised as ‘shooting themselves in their pointy shoe’ by jeopardising the future of Santa’s empire particularly since the outfit could be under threat after an I-Phone prick said he’d created an ‘App’ that ‘does Christmas’ although he is expected to die of his own smug arrogance by the end of year.

 If no agreement is reached by December then Santa has said he will contact arbitration service (Don’t Give) ACRAP to try and help the two sides reach a resolution.

 This latest controversy for Santa is another blow to his reputation, after recently being caught up in the expenses row after claiming back money used to construct a holiday island for his belly button fluff. 

 He was also in the news last year after being revealed as an obese, belly fluff island creating, badly dressed, and trespassing, paedophile.