Space is the new relationship catch-phrase. As the world shrinks and we jostle for living place, we are ironically asking for our personal space within the parameters of our existing bonds. What began in the West as a cry for freedom to be oneself and do things that pleases one’s sensibility, desire and inclination has today become one of the most frequently used word in urbans India.

DEFINING PARAMETERS

“The definition of emotional space in a relationship is the freedom to pursue what one is interested in within a relation­ship,” says Dr Vasantha R. Patti, Chairperson of the Indian Institute of Counselling. “In the Indian context, it means individual freedom within the parameters of the family that is acceptable and legitimate to all.”

Jasmeet Arora, a 50-year-old history professor in Chandigarh says, “When we were growing up, personal space meant jagah, an intimate place in our hearts, homes, and family. It was all­ inclusive combining family, extended family and friends. No one talked about personal place, within homes or within relationships. Everyone intruded into everyone’s life and space, unlike the west that has very clearly defined distinctions of blood relations, cousins and where space is more individualis­tic. And that is the fundamental difference between the two cultures. Now, as urban nuclear families increase, from our all encom­passing and all-inclusive bonds we are trying to become more individualistic.”

Jasmeet believes that the new sweeping phe­nomenon has only caught on in the last 5-7 years as globalisation and cable culture imported it. Patri agrees pointing out that, “Indians are articulating their personal needs within the framework of the family. While phrases like, “I need space” are used by teenagers, men and women like to signify the need for personal freedom; Indian women articulate it by making statements like, “I feel suffocated in a relationship and a need to be oneself.”

UNRAVELLING PARAMETERS

Can space truly be defined? Are there param­eters to it?” No,” says Patri, “Space cannot be defined, but psychologically understood by partners of the boundaries they can cross that will be acceptable to each other.” After they married, Praveen and Rajshree Singh initially got into the vicious circle of defining their likes, dislikes and what was acceptable and unacceptable to each other. Rajshree hated Praveen taking off on most weekends to play golf and returning after lunch with his friends. Rajshree saw it as being excluded and would often sulk and make her annoyance felt. Most of their fights would be centred around his golf and his need to be with his friends, especially on weekends. Rajshree, also a busy working woman, felt that this was their family and bonding time. The couple finally worked their way out of the constant jostling when Rajshree became a part of a writers’ group. “It was only after I joined my group did I realise Praveen’s need to have his own personal space to unwind and do things he loved, because I finally had found mine.”