Dear Diary,

This week had been a tremendous one. I made a few more millions, fired a few more lazy buggers at work (which always made me feel powerful) and decided to go cold turkey on Viagra. I just got tired of seeing blue all day. Melania told me about Cialis on the third night so I supposed there was a message there.

I still love seeing myself in print, on tv, on the cover of books and magazines, and everywhere. I feel so blessed that my hair still looks so great at my age. I noticed that Melania never smiles in photos. Come to think of it, she never smiles anytime, even when we are alone.

Don’t get me wrong, she is really fantastic: I love her cheekbones, her walk, how she nibbles on her food as if she had no interest, her stare that seems to penetrate right into my heart and the other place below my centre of gravity, and how she orders our servants around with the cool detachment of royalty. It’ so cute how she has not idea how to wash her plates and use a broom.

But I have NEVER seen her smile. It’s kind of spooky now that I think about it. I think I might be able to leverage that into another reality tv. I am thinking “Who can make Melania smile” and getting a bunch of comedians to do standup. Of course, I’d get to say “You’re fired” in the show. I should talk to Mark tomorrow.

I read that Michael Crabtree is the only first round draft pick in the NFL who has not signed a contract. Give me a break! This moron has not caught an NFL pass, drafted number ten and believed he should have been drafted higher, and wants more money without having anything to show for it. If I owned the Forty-niners, I’d kick his ass into Neverland right away. I might just buy the Forty-niners just to do that.

* Donald, I don’t think you’d have time to read this blog but if you do, no offense. This is completely fictitious – just having a little fun.