In seven chairs along the back wall sat Electra, Beth, Joanne, Jamie, Wilma Mayron, Rosemary Bennett, and Pauline Smith.   Kevin sat at the end of the table, near his wife, Jon and his oldest daughter, Lindsay, sat together with their backs toward the serving counter, facing the seven women, Norma sat down at the end of the table, opposite Kevin, and Mandy sat beside her husband, Jon.

“I think everybody knows everybody else here,” said Mandy.

“Not me, Luvie,” said Electra.

“Oh, that’s right,” said Mandy unenthusiastically.   She introduced Jack and his family to Electra.

Norma tried her best not to stare openly at the woman.   Electra was well under average heights and yet was absolutely obese; layer over layer of fat covered her frame, quivering like jelly at the smallest movement.   As if she was not grotesque enough by herself, Electra seemed absolutely bizarre, sitting next to Beth and the four teenage girls, all of who were fashionably thin to the point of emaciation.

“It’s like looking at a circus fat lady, sitting next to five corpses,” thought Norma.   Pauline Smith was nearly as overweight as Electra, however, on Pauline’s one hundred and eighty-five centimetre heights the weight looked considerably less revolting.

Seeing Jack standing near the serving counters looking out of place amongst all of the women, Kevin called out, “Don’t just stand there gawking at Pauline’s knockers, Jack, help yourself to a beer from the fridge.”

Jack took three cans of Fosters Lager from the refrigerator near the door to the lounge room, handed one can to Chris, and another to Norma.

Chris turned to look out through the large window behind Kevin.   Outside thirty or forty youths were doing their best to impress their girlfriends, with karate kicks and punches, into the air.

“Think I’ll go outside and check out the kung fu bash,” said Chris to no one in particular.

The house had a large, triangular backyard.   There was a small veranda outside the back door.   Just outside the door stood a large three-in-one unit, loaned for the occasion by one of the young martial arts students, from which blared heavy metal rock.   Beside the hi-fi unit was an ancient wooden table, covered with trays of cakes, party dips and biscuits, potato chips, Twisties, and other party morsels.   A half-a-dozen pace from the veranda was a hoist clothesline, inconveniently placed near the front of the yard.   From the line hung streamers and balloons.   On the left-hand side, looking out the back door, a small Besser brick barbecue stood near the side fence.   Upon the barbecue steaks sizzled.

“Not a bad crowd for our first kung fu do,” said Alex Mayron, walking up behind Chris.   The two youths were very similar in looks, except that Alex’s hair was yellow blond, and was worn in the old-fashioned short-back-and-sides style, which was already starting to come back into vogue.

“Not a bad food bill either,” said Chris.

“No sweat, if we run out of steaks, we’ve got spares over the fence,” said Alex, pointing to the tall wooden fence near the barbecue, behind which two speckled cows grazed in an overgrown paddock.

“Right,” said Chris, “all you need to do is get two or three of the black belts to do a standing leap over the fence, as they do In the kung fu movies, then use your samurai swords to create some instant steaks.”

“So when are you going to join up, Chris?” asked Lindsay Mayron, walking up behind Chris and Alex.

“It’d take me five years just to earn my white belt,” said Chris.

“Don’t be silly,” said Wilma Mayron.   Although three years younger, Wilma looked like Lindsay’s twin.   Both sisters had inherited their father’s carroty red hair, which they wore long.   “You don’t have to earn your white belt, they give that to you when you join up … Or at least sell it to you.”

“They’d make a special exception in my case,” insisted Chris.   “They can tell lack of talent when they see It,” Chris looked toward the end of the backyard, past the small apple tree, to where the Mayrons’s collection of pet cages were stacked one on top of the other: bird cages over hamster cages, over rabbit warrens.   The backyard was a veritable pet cemetery of dead cats, dogs, rabbits, budgerigars, and one stray penguin.

“I see you haven’t bought the dog yet,” said Chris, referring to a German shepherd the three teenagers had been trying to convince their parents to buy.

“No,” agreed Lindsay.   “The only dog around here is Electra.”

“Yeah,” agreed Wilma, “what a hog!   Have you seen her yet, Chris?”

“He couldn’t miss her, coming through the house,” said Alex.   “Electra’s the only one we know who could eat a whole Pavlova for tea, then devour two litres of ice-cream for dessert.”

“And don’t forget the appetiser of half-a-dozen Chico rolls and twenty-five or thirty Big Macs,” said Wilma.

“The worst bit about it,” said Lindsay, “is that she always insists she’s on a diet.”

“Yeah,” agreed Alex,   “She’s down to her last three chins.”

“It’s what we call ‘Electra’s see-food diet’,” said Wilma.

“Let me guess,” said Chris, “when she sees food, she eats it.”

“Exactly,” agreed Wilma.

“How’s the red meat coming along?” asked Beth, walking over to the barbecue.

“Almost done,” said the young man attending the meat.   A black belt, he had also lent the hi-fi unit for the night.

“He seems a nice enough young man,” said Beth, joining the four young people.

“Trev?   Yeah, he’s all right,” agreed Alex.   “Queer as a four dollar note though … But for God’s sake don’t tell him I said so, he’s a third-Dan black belt.

“One of the funniest true stories I’ve ever heard concerned Trev, as a matter of fact.   He was wandering down the main street of Elroy….”

“That’s one of the surrounding towns,” Wilma explained to Chris.

“Draped out in the whole gear,” said Alex, “lipstick, mini skirt, pumps, fish net stockings and so on.   So these three pooftah-bashers decide to have a bit of a kick at Trev’s expense.   But that’s just what Trev gave them, a few karate kicks and punches.   He floored the three of them in as many seconds and only one of the bastards got up again.   So he gave him a kick to a certain vital spot that left the guy talking in an even higher voice than Trev.”   Chris and the three females laughed, “Christ, it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard, I would’ve given any money to be there to actually see it.”

“So,” said Beth, “is this a private council of war?   Or can anyone join in?”

“We were Just discussing your dear friend, Electra,” explained Lindsay.

“My dear friend?   That slag bag!   For the life of me, I don’t know why your mother ever invited her here.   She’ll consume half of the food, and two-thirds of the grog, like always,” said Beth.   Then to Chris, “Have you seen her yet?”

“I caught a glance of her as I came through the house,” admitted Chris.

“A glance!” said Beth.   “Hell, that’s like saying your mini minor glanced off an eighteen-wheeler!”

“You’re not wrong,” agreed Alex.   “When Electra sees food, just stand well back, She doesn’t need a knife and fork, she needs a steam-shovel!”

“And she’s the biggest trollop this side of New South Wales,” said Beth.   “God only knows why any self respecting man would want to root her?   She’s at least seventy years old, fat, and ugly, yet she draws the young men like dead meat draws maggots.”   She stopped for a moment, and then added, “And that’s not a bad comparison actually.   I remember one party we were at … Oh, probably about a year ago.   Anyway, Electra spent most of the night chatting up this really gorgeous looking young bloke, something like Robert Redford fifteen years ago, only better.   Then, about 2:00 AM I decided I’d had as much as I could stand, so I went to bed.   This was over at Kevin and Pauline’s, where they have this large old-fashioned double-size brass bed in their guest room.   Anyway, Bob was on shift work, this was just before he lost his job, so I was staying there the night.

“I was awakened at about 4:00 AM by what sounded like an Olympic trampolining event.   So I rolled over on the bed, and blow me down, there’s Electra, her young Robert Redford, and two other young blokes, all on the other side of the bed.   They were servicing her, all three holes at once so to speak.

“So I jumped out of bed and grabbed up my dressing gown and slippers, and the Robert Redford clone says, ‘Where are you going, baby?   You’re next!’   ‘The hell I am!’ I said, and ran out, I slept the rest of the night in the front of Alex’s panel van, with Alex and two young birds in the back.”

“Hey listen,” said Alex, “they were just good friends.”

“Well, at least you had the good taste not to join in with Gruesome Greta and her all male harem,” said Beth, turning to walk back into the house.

“Hello, Luvie,” said Electra.   She squeezed out through the narrow back door.

“Hello, honey,” said Beth, “I was just telling Chris how nice it is to have you here.   A party just wouldn’t be the same without you.”

“Yeah, I agree,” said Wilma at a whisper, “there’d be some food left over for the rest of us, for one thing.”

“Thank you, Luvie,” said Electra to Beth.

*      *      *

“Alex is your cousin?” asked Trev, as he and Chris piled cooked steaks onto two large plates, ready to take them into the house.

“Well, no, he’s sort of my half brothers twice removed,” said Chris, “Beth Bennett and Jack are my real parents, and Bob Bennett and Mandy are Alex’s real parents, So Alex is the half brother of Lindsay and Wilma Mayron and Colleen and Rosemary Bennett, and Colleen and Rosemary are my half sisters.   But Alex and I aren’t really related at all, but since his real father is now married to my real mother, we usually simplify things by referring to each other as cousins.”

“I can see why,” said Trev.

“Come on Trev, stop chatting him up and pass around the red meat,” said a teenage girl sporting white robes and a black belt.

“Help yourself,” said Trev, waving a hand toward the barbecue.

The young girl and about a dozen other teenagers, some in karate clothes, some in street clothes, ran into the house to get bread, then returned to the barbecue to have first choice of the steaks, Trev passed out the meat, as each teenager pointed to the piece that he or she wanted.   Then, after the queue had tapered out, Trev said to Chris, “Let’s take the rest of it into the house.

“We had better pass it around personally.   That way we can see everybody gets at least one steak, and that Electra doesn’t get more than four.”

*      *      *

“Just be thankful your two girls have some sense,” said Beth, walking across to the refrigerator.   She took a can of Ouzo and coke from the refrigerator and said, “Both of our girls are talking about quitting school next year.”

“Both of them!” asked Pauline. “I thought Colleen was going on to Uni.?”

“So did we, up until a few weeks ago.   Bob still doesn’t know yet, and I’m not going to tell him.   He can find out in February when she doesn’t go back to school,” said Beth.   She opened the can of Ouzo and cokes then asked, “Norma?   Pauline?”

Norma shook her head.

Pauline said, “No thanks, I’m driving tonight.”

“Again?” asked Beth.   “You always seem to do the driving these days.”

“Yes, I’m starting to think Kev must have a two-headed coin.   Next time I’m calling heads, and we’ll see what he says.”

While the three women were laughing, Trev walked into the dining areas carrying a plate filled high with steaks.

“That was well timed,” said Trev as he put the plate onto the table.   “Everybody help yourself to a steak quickly, before Electra returns.”

The seven women in the kitchen and dining areas converged upon the table, to spread bread for steak sandwiches and help themselves to salad and dressing.

“Did I hear my name mentioned, Luvie?” asked Electra, waddling into the room.

“I was just saying we’d better save a steak for you,” said Trev.

“Oh I could eat two of those tiny little things, Luvie,” said Electra, taking up a fork, and shovelling three steaks onto a large plate of lettuce, diced tomatoes, and pickled onions, “No point in dirtying up another plate, Luvie,” she explained to Trev, waddling back to her chair against the dining area wall.

“I’ll go and see how Chris is doing with the others,” said Trev.   “We’ll have to start cooking the sausages, we just won’t have enough steaks for all the people in the backyard.”

“Oh, I could eat half-a-dozen sausages, Luvie,” said Electra, as Trev headed toward the back door.

*      *      *

“Come and sit next to me for a while, Luvie,” said Electra.   She grabbed Chris by one arm.   “We haven’t had a chance to get acquainted yet.”

“No, Chris can come and sit next to his mum for a while, said Beth, sitting across the table from Electra.

Beth grabbed Chris’ other arm, and for a few seconds, he thought he was going to be the victim of a hit-and-run tug-of-war.   But finally, Electra whiningly released Chris, allowing Beth to claim her prize.

Chris glanced toward Norma, who he saw glare at Beth, and then walk into the lounge room.

Norma walked into a wall of sound, as Beak Robson and Whispering Gerry Stuth argued tooth and nail about the ongoing election count, and Kevin and Jack, who had returned to the lounge room just ahead of Norma, had to almost shout to hear each other above the sound of the politics.

*      *      *

9:02 PM

“Jobs!   Huh!   I’ll tell you about bloody jobs!” said Beth, thumping a fist upon the kitchen table, like a ham actor doing a caricature of being dramatic, “Just the other month I put in for a part-time Job with the bloody Social Welfare Department, as welfare officer, looking after the problems of young kids and such.

“And the bastards knocked me back, saying that I had no training, So I said to them, ‘Well, I’ve had three kids of my own, two girls and a boy!   How much more training do I bloody well need!’   “The smart young bastard said to me, ‘That’s all very well, but you need some official training.’   So I said to him, ‘Well, I’ve officially had three kids of my own!’”

“That’s telling him, Luvie,” said Electra, laughing.   Chris thought how obscene she looked, as her laughter caused layer over layer of fat to quiver like a mountain of jelly, which was about to burst apart and spew across the floor.

“But it was no good trying to reason with him!” said Beth.   “All they’re interested in is a fancy little bit of paper certifying that I’ve got a degree in Applied Birthing and Baby Raising.”

“What good’s a bit of paper, Luvie?” asked Electra.   “Without the experience as a mother.”

“Right,” agreed Beth.   “I bet nine-tenths of their welfare workers, bits of paper and all, have never even had kids of their own, What the hell do they know about people’s problems or how to deal with them?”

“Nothing at all, Luvie,” said Electra.

“Too bloody right,” agreed Beth.

“That’s the way it is with all employers today,” said Chris.   “They all ask for ridiculously high education.   You just about have to have a degree in Applied Sanitary Techniques and Waste Disposal, before you can get a job as a garbage collector these days!”

“You’re not wrong,” agreed Beth.   She pulling Chris up against her, and stroking her fingers through his hair.   “See what a smart son I have ‘Lec’.”

“That’s rights, Luvie,” agreed Electra.

“It’s all because they know that with the job situation as bad as it is, they’ve got the workers over a barrel.   If you won’t meet their terms, there’s plenty of people on the dole who will,” said Chris.

“If it’s so bad, Luvie, why doesn’t the government step in to do something about it?” asked Electra, causing everybody in the room to turn and stare at her in amazement.   As far as anyone could recall, it was the first time Electra had strung together more than five words in a single sentence which did not begin with, “Would somebody please pass the…?”

THE END