Image by quinn.anya via Flickr

Glass and projectile bricks were flying everywhere as a giant jug of red swishy liquid crashed through the wall of the elementary school. One brick hit a polio kid and the kid immediately died. He was probably better off dead anyways.

“OOOOOOH YEEAAAAH!” yeahed the permanent markered in face of the giant jar that happened to carry a miniature version of himself on his hand except it didn’t talk and inspire parties.

The kids cheered and started to party.

Not because they liked Kool Aid, no, most people hate it. It was because the giant jar of Kool Aid was producing ecstasy that drives people wild and makes them want to drink Kool Aid.

He was sad as he poured everyone a drink. But everyone was too high to notice that he was sad. Even the teacher was streaking around naked. She ran into a wall and fell on a kid. There were kids everywhere, and if he didn’t pour them a drink, he’d become the drink.

He compared his life to living with a world full of vampires, except you had an unlimited jar of blood in your hand.

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He thought it was cool at first, when he turned into a giant Kool Aid Man. He had decided to take a bath in strawberry flavoured Kool Aid when he was 10, except he magically turned into a giant jar of the liquid. There was swirling sparkles and stuff, like out of a Magic Wand Barbie doll, completed-with-a-magical-horse commercial.

Also, the transformation didn’t just make him bigger. It matured him and made him a “man”, the way becoming a giant jar of Kool Aid would.

He would rob Toys R Us since every goes, everyone would rip off their clothes in a drug induced hallucination of the best party ever and start frothing and running around, desiring Kool Aid above anything else. Except sex. Because ecstasy is sexy.

However, he realized he cannot die.

All the preservatives in the Kool Aid made him invulnerable of old age and the magic would refill him whenever he spilled (during the day of the transformation, an instruction manual popped up too, the manual included how to control crowds like a bouncer and how to mix Kool Aid).

It was painful to spill though, so he didn’t like it when people drank out of him.

He would ask them to stop at first. But they wouldn’t listen. They were in a giant orgy party (imagined) and thirsting for Kool Aid.

So he had to hide out in a cup factory. And he would have to carry a pack of cups every time he ventures out.

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As the kids were occupied with running around and destroying everything, the teacher was humping a child. And the Kool Aid man was taking some chalk.

He would need some to chalk up how many days have passed since he was blessed with this curse.

He wobbled out of the giant hole he made.