Ring!  Ring!

I picked the phone up before the third ring, feeling extra spry and charitable.

“Hello, may I ask who’s calling?” I stated in my best soprano falsetto as I picked up the phone.  I remember practicing that line as a little boy and I was proud that I could actually use it in real life.

There was a pause on the other end as if the person had frozen in a telephone stupor.

“Hello?” I asked.

Again, I was met with silence. 

“Hi Aunt Ruth,” I stated, more of a guess than anything.

How did you know it was me?” asked she, confused and not a little befuddled.

“It was I, Aunt Ruth,” I said, correcting her.

“It wasn’t you, it was me,” she defiantly replied.

“No, I mean you can’t say ‘was me’ because ‘was’ is a linking verb and the subject and object are interchangeable.”

“Oh, right.  We already had that lesson, didn’t we.  Well, everybody I talk to says they just answer, ‘It was me.’”

“First of all,” I proclaimed, getting on my soap box, “I don’t believe that mass propagation of an erroneous usage makes it correct.  Second, you just made another mistake.”

“What did I do?” she asked, somewhat exasperated.

“Guess,” I requested.

“Look, nephew who spends way too much of his time studying grammar, I don’t have time for this.”

“Okay, pipe down, my dear aunt.  You said, ‘Everybody … they.’  You should use ‘he’ (or ’she’ perhaps), not ‘they.’  Everybody I talk to says he just says whatever.”

Silence on the other end of the line occurred again.

“Aunt Ruth?”

“Are you done yet?” she whimpered

“No, not really,” I replied.

“Look, let’s do the lesson later.  First, how did you know it was I who called?”

“Your catatonic stupor gave it away, my dear aunt.  And thanks for saying, ‘It was I.’  You are correct.”

“Welcome,” said she.

“So Aunt Ruth, how are things?”

“Oh, the usual.  You know how my Saturday nights are always pictures of excitement, boodles of excitement, universes of …”

“What’s wrong, my dear aunt.  I know you too well.”

“Well, to be brief, I’m in prison and I need you to come down and bail me out.”

“Bail?  How much?”

I heard whispering in the background. 

“Ten dollars,” replied Aunt Ruth.