“Safety?  How?”

“I told people I was Charles Manson’s mom.  They left me alone.”

“You what?”

“Never mind.  Now, as to why I was in here in the first place, I won a raffle in my neighborhood’s tuba club last week, and that gave me a free hour’s stay here at the jail.  Well, it was supposed to be an hour, but there was some kind of clerical error.”

“Wait, slow down Aunt Ruth.  You’re in a tuba club?”

“Yeah, well, I started it.  I call it RUTH — Ruth’s Universal Tuba Haven.  Anyway, I entered the raffle because anybody who has been here says they love it.”

“Says he loves it,” I said in a professorial tone, correcting her.

“Who’s he?” she asked.

“Nobody in particular.  But when you use everybody, every one, any body, and anyone, you use he or she, not they.  See, everyone is talking about each and every and any one individual, a single person …”

“What does marriage have to do with this?” she demanded.

“Not single as in not married, but single as in one person,” I clarified. 

“I need an example, mister,” sighed Aunt Ruth.

“Okay, here it is.  Frank says he loves my grilled cheese sandwiches. Joe says he loves my grilled cheese sandwiches.  Each person here says he loves my grilled cheese sandwiches.  Everybody says he loves my grilled cheese sandwiches.  But, Frank and Joe say they prefer laying eggs on your head.  Understand?”

“Nope.  Your grilled cheese sandwiches are awful.  But I think I’m getting the grammar lesson.”

“Try it,” I nudged.

Aunt Ruth began, “If anybody ate your grilled cheese sandwiches, he would get quite ill.  Each person who eats your grilled cheese sandwiches says he would rather have his eyelids glued shut.  Ninety-two people, in a national survey, say they would rather read the A, B, and C stories than eat your grilled cheese sandwiches.”

“Very good, dear aunt.”

“Thank you,” she smiled.  “Now, I also bought this in the jail gift shop.  It’s for you.  I hope it’s the right size.  It was on sale for two bucks.”

I opened the package.  It was a tee shirt with the words “My great aunt went to prison and all I got was this lousy tee shirt.”

As we left the prison, I heard someone whisper, “Look, there goes Charles Manson’s mom!”

For more grammar stories with Aunt Ruth, consider the following.

• The Tuba That Aunt Ruth Plays
• Aunt Ruth Is a Babe, Is She Not?
• As Aunt Ruth Likes It