My husband and I were married on November 7th, 2009. We had spent months finding the perfect honeymoon spot and were excited to leave the day after our wedding to a 5-star all-inclusive resort in Riviera Maya. We were so excited about our honeymoon and had told everyone where we were headed…unfortunately, Hurricane Ida was headed that way too and at the final hour we had to change our trip to avoid the hurricane. We ended up in Negril, Jamaica at a brand new resort. It sounded promising.

We called the resort to arrange transportation from the airport and were told they didn’t provide any sort of shuttle and our best bet was to take a taxi at $80 each way! We decided to gamble and see what transportation would be available once we arrived in Montego Bay. Luckily, we caught a shuttle for half the price of the taxi, unluckily the shuttle was dominated by a drunken couple who invited everyone to their hedonism hotel–we all declined. The obnoxious couple proceeded to talk about all the taboo subjects: race, religion, politics, and sex over the next hour and half until we reached the resort area. By the time we arrived, it had begun to rain but my husband and I were simply happy to begin our honeymoon.

We checked in and the drama began. Our room was literally about a half mile away from the main area of the resort. After the long walk we were greeted by a “suite” smaller than most hotel rooms and that had only been half cleaned–it seemed that someone had forgotten to clean the bathroom. The bed where my husband and I would spend the next seven nights was not a king, but two twin mattresses butted up against each other. As we discovered later that night, in order to sleep near each other one of us would end up stuck between the mattresses. Did I mention that our trip would be six nights? Again, we took the optimistic approach and ventured out into the rain to explore the resort.

We stopped at the bar and ordered a drink–only to discover that the resort did not carry any premium liquor. I had never heard of any of the liquors and since it all tasted like alcohol or grease and gave me terrible headaches, I remained sober my entire honeymoon. Well, at least the food should be good, right?

As it turns out, the food sucked. They only offered Jamaican food once during our entire week and everything else was flavorless. There was a large buffet available every night but In order to eat at one of the restaurants, you had to be in line at 7am and it was first come first serve with a small number of seats available. We did manage to wake up early a few days to try the other restaurants only to discover that it was the same food as in the buffet only served in tiny portions at god-awfully slow pace. Both my husband and I lost weight at an all-inclusive resort.

So far the room sucks, the liquor sucks, and the food sucks–but we’re still optimists so we imagined that on our second day we’d explore the beach.

That night I ran a fever and had cold sweats. I tossed and turned hoping that I wasn’t catching the flu. The next morning I was too ill to get up and sent my husband out by himself. By noon, I managed to summon enough strength to go enjoy the beach with my husband. Our resort sat in a bay where the waves were blocked by a rocky outcropping. Because our section of beach didn’t get any of the waves, the water was somewhat stagnant and when I walked in the water my feet were covered in algae and weeds. YUCK! Not to mention, the worse part of it all, the beach where I had envisioned sitting with my husband watching the sun set was infested with SAND FLEAS!!! Everyone had dozens to hundreds of tiny red marks on their legs and I was no exception. Flea bites are NOT sexy! We found out later that it can take up to two weeks for those nasty bites to stop itching. I tried not to scratch at them and make them worse, but I now carry permanent scars as a reminder of our honeymoon.

Needless to say, I called a do-over on the honeymoon. Any suggestions?