Maggots via Wikipedia

Between vomitous business meetings of misery and despair I took the opportunity to grab a lovely calming and delightful sip of a beverage of my choice. I sat there in the busy shopping mall and slowly felt the surge of caffeinated pleasure juice coursing through my veins. As I partook in this private moment of peace and clarity, I observed the motion around me. It was a seemingly endless mass of human bustling – wriggling and squirming about like maggots in road-kill. Even maggots however seemed to have more purpose that what I could observe of those around me.

I saw a bunch of unholy looking teenagers gathering near the McDonald’s express outlet. To me they looked like they were up to no good. They should after all have been at school. They were almost definitely a puss of scumbags planning some form of delinquency. They had nothing better to do than to gather there and yell silently with looks of utter contempt towards the general populace “Up yours you bunch of monkey banana bangers”. That I think was the key of my automatic loathing – they had nothing better to do. I was in reality completely jealous. Oh how I desired to be a bothersome lout again without a care in the world other than what I thought my deviant comrades thought I thought of them. It was in complete contrast to my current life of conformity and suffocating restriction.

I thought about it long and hard. Resentment was growing proportionally to the caffeine enhanced powers of cognition. My bitterness magnified by the unending ticking of my time master pounding ever more loudly in the background of my head, reminding me constantly of my pending responsibilities. A rage began to build deep within me. The pressure gauge was rising. I could see the steam escaping from my seams. There was a nasty rattling sound coming from me, and I was pretty sure it was not my nuts because frankly it just wasn’t that cold. It was obvious I was ready to blow!

What was I to do? A cascade of emotion was building that would be sure to see me turn completely and utterly mental. How was I to release the pressure valve? It couldn’t be via sex because I am married with children. I could of course have perhaps gotten myself a mistress, but I know all too well that one woman is trouble enough. I could have found myself a Riga mortised goat and bashed random passer-bys with it, but I had already done that in the past and there were unpleasant consequences. These included, but were not be limited too, a latex rectal examination by a person claiming to be an official of the law, but who was in fact just some random pervert who found a police badge lying on the ground. I’m not sure what clued me into her deception at first: the shaving of my butt hair or the tickling of my nads with a parrot feather. The camera flashes were however what ultimately convinced me.

Indeed it was a dastardly situation I was facing. I was not much in the mood for a finger licking latex lodging rectal examination; I can’t stand the smell of burning latex. If the pucker peering police poser were to offer a velvet glove instead, then perhaps I would reconsider – but that was not freaking likely – at least not in the middle of a shopping mall. I had to release the pressure and I had to do it soon. So I did the only thing I could possibly do. I walked up to the puss of scumbags and asked them if they knew where I could buy some handcuffs and glow in the dark latex gloves. They ran off, stumbling over each other to get away, and left screaming like a pack of frat boys with a firecracker up their butts. With pressure relieved and disaster narrowly averted, I could resume my day of torment and drudgery.

Not nearly as pleasant as a velvet glove via Wikipedia