I wanted desperately to be a part of Homeland Security, but Washington D.C. seemed to have no use for a patriotic 64 year old grandmother. Therefore, I devised my own plan to root out covert nests of terrorism in Trona. Having learned that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked or to use alcohol, I decided to walk out of my house naked as the day I was born and circle my block to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Just to intensify this crucial test, I decided to carry a six-pack of beer. I knew macho American patriots have no problem ogling nude women other than their wives and certainly no problem about the beer. Confidently, I opened my door and strode out into my neighborhood. That is when I learned the ugly truth.

All over the apartment complex, men jumped from their lawn chairs; screaming and covering their eyes. They crawled under cars and behind bushes…anyplace that would cover me from their sight. One man seemed desperate to continue the charade and to hide what he really was. He rushed to me and wrestled the six-pack from my grasp. Before he ran away, he screamed something that probably translated into “INFIDEL DOG!” in his native tongue, yet sounded strangely like “OMIGAWD. I’VE BEEN STRUCK BLIND!”

In horror I raced back to my apartment and here I wait until my call to the
White House goes through. How exciting it is to be a national hero. Just wait until the President finds out I uprooted a complete neighborhood of terrorists! He will probably insist on giving me a medal…and as soon as he passes the “Terrorist Test” I plan to put my clothes back on so he has a place to pin it on me.