Certainly, it goes without saying that cats are pretty much lazy creatures that lounge around your house or apartment accomplishing little or nothing. When you want to pet them or attempt to develop a human feline interface, they usually run away. This has always irked me until I was recently perusing the prestigious journal, The Cat Veterinary Quarterly, a publication devoted entirely to the intellectual and spiritual development of cats by utilizing these creatures in ways that would ultimately benefit mankind. My interest was piqued when I read that a noted veterinarian in Salzburg, Austria had been experimenting with radiating cats with synthesized music played at extremely high volume.

Thus began my quest to find out if there was any feline electronic interface that could ultimately benefit mankind. Eventually, a fortuitous circumstance transformed my thoughts into concrete action. While attending a NASA lecture on the feasibility of launching all of the existing house cats in the world to colonize the planet Venus, I was struck with the thought that cats possibly could be wired for sound. Instead of the little space suits the NASA scientists had designed for a possible feline space mission, the suits could be redesigned to allow cats and kittens to make synthesized sound by generating low voltage impulses from their bodily movements and amplified into a small synthesizer with attached speakers.

Listen to the Music

I was able to convince Dr. Karl Freekmash, the project manager of NASA’s Operation Sky Cat, to divert a few million dollars from their rather large budget of $900 billion to fund my concept. Initially the going was rough, but after a few scientific mishaps, we were able to develop cat (space) suits that generated three distinct types of music whenever a cat moved. One was a Rumba, the other was a type of waltz and lastly, a rock n roll shuffle that had a 50’s beat to it. The initial suit designs were a little bulky for the average cat weighing in at about 23 lbs, but with some clever circuit design, the weight was cut down to only 14 ounces!

It soon became apparent that the suit was a real hit with cat owners. Virtually all of the scientists at Cape Canaveral wanted a suit to strap onto their otherwise useless cats. After realizing that there probably was pent up demand for any device that could give purpose to the average house cat, we went national on the Home Shopping Network and sold $30 million worth in the first 30 minutes! We then had to come up with new songs and musical genre which resulted in the addition of a Rap Music sound, a Beethoven-esque symphony sound and a Salsa type of music. The cats seemed to like it as well and have started dancing to the music that they themselves were generating.

This now has the appearance of being a financial windfall for the US Government, in general and NASA in particular. It has been projected that sales within the U.S. and Canada will reach $7 trillion in the next 2 years and the current financial crisis will be averted, thus saving the financial integrity of our nation and the US dollar.