When I dream, there are usually elements of things I had seen, heard or read about the previous day. My dreams are often lucid. Last night was no exception.
Just then, God whom had been watching all along from further up in the heavens, called my name. “Joel! I need to see you RIGHT NOW! -Deskside, please!” Oh poo, -I’ve just been summoned to appear upon the glass carpet by God. -You all can pray for me now because I’m in trouble for sure.
God inquired why I destroyed one of his greatest creations, the American alligator. I started bawling that they just killed me and my family and my mouth would not stop bitching about the travesty of it all. God however was not going to reverse my action. He could have, but said that he would not. He kept talking something about that movie of that boy and his Killer Whale, -”Free Willy?” Or maybe he said “free will” perhaps? I was not listening. He stated that he would have to punish me for what I had done. He decreed that I would return to mortal life again, but in the form of …an American alligator! I would be the only one in existence in all of creation. Alone. -Oh joy!
My mouth continued to spew vulgarities over the injustice of my demise so G-man Father further augmented the decree. -I would be the only American alligator in existence, deal with it. -I would be alone but He would also alert mankind know of my singularly unique existence and my exact location, no matter where I was. I understood their curiosity of ‘discovering’ this new never-before seen creature, -me. Visions of being captured and rectally-probed by hoards of Steve Irwin wannabe scientists filled my mind. Taking turns jambing their fists up my rectum! Nations would fight over my ownership. Animals Rights groups would protest & petition for my release. They would eventually win and I’d be released, only to be re-captured by other scientific interests and rogue nations and the cycle would repeat itself. Endlessly.
I continued to complain and berate with pithy resolve. I bitched, I swore, I stomped my feet in tantrum rage. I made accusations.
God next added that on top of all of this, I would also have an incurable, untreatable painful skin condition. My skin would be as scaly and prickly on the inside as it would be on the outside. Still, my mouth spewed vile indignation. I just would not shut the hell up! I even insinuated that He had an ‘unnaturally close relationship with his mother‘ if you get my drift…
God, now starting to grow weary of me, next decreed that I’d be the only American alligator in existence, have this horrid incurable itchy double-sided skin condition, live for a very, very long time, that nations would fight over me and the cycle of capture/release programs would be endless. I’d be the only member of my specie AND further, my anus would be relocated to the top-center of my back so that when I laid in the sun to get warm during the day my ass would get severely sunburned and chapped. Every time I defecated it would spew and splatter feces all over my back! Due to its location, I would not even be able to wipe myself clean against the ground. The feces would have to dry and be blown way by the wind or carried away by flies and dung beetles.
My last words spoken were vile and venomous diatribes of my unfair treatment as He waved His hand dismissively at me and in a flash of holy white light, -sent me to my worldly fate…
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So, a word of warning people. Now and forever, don’t mess with the big gosh-darn American alligator. He’s having a bad day. Again.
You must have been so glad to have woken up – betchya gave your wife and son a huge hug 
I love having weird and wonderful dreams that make you go “What the?” when you wake up. Wonderfully written, thank you for sharing.
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