Life with anxiety.
In that month period, I stayed at home. I cried a lot. I wouldn’t go out of my house by myself. I had to always be with my mom. Nobody but her made me feel safe. Whenever Id try to gout with friends, Id instantly call my mom to ask her to bring me home. I saw confusion and worry on all of my friends faces, but nonetheless, I found out which friends cared enough to rather help me out and calm me down than to just ignore my random outburst of panic. I got sympathy and some people even gave me pity, but I didn’t want it. I was raised to be proud of who you are despite the circumstances you had to live with. So I acted stronger. I went to weeks and weeks of therapy. Nothing ever really worked. They had exercises for me to try, breathing techniques, and the even offered me medication. However, personally I don’t believe in medication. I don’t ever believe in relying on something but yourself to make you feel better. I wanted to get better on my own. I didn’t want a pill make that happen, I wanted me to make that happen. I was stronger than medication, and to this day I still refuse to take it.
I went to every possible doctor one can think of. Neuron, heart doctors, and the list goes on and on. Everything came out clean. According to most doctors, sometimes passing out just happens to some people. Sometimes it can just happen for no reason. How can that be possible, I asked? How can something so illogical and random just happen? Nothing was wrong with me, and yet I could just fall unconscious at any second. Some people just said it was my anxiety making me pass out. The doctor who performed the neuron test on me said that I feel things so much more intensely than other people, which is probably the reason why I reacted the way I did.
I can’t really continue the story and tell the reader how I got over anxiety, because truth is I haven’t. I learned how to get out of my house and do things on my own. I learned how to hang out with friends in the mall again and drive my car around the block aimlessly for no other reason than to just drive. I still don’t take medication, but I like the fact that I remain who I am despite the anxiety. Do I ever feel like giving up? Every single day, but with Claire’s seizure, I learned anything unexpected can happen in a nanosecond. Again, a really scary thought, but on the positive note, because anything can happen, I live it up like I was on my deathbed. And I know not many people do that. I have anxiety, yes, and it does hold me back. But I remind myself, whenever I feel down, that I will get over this. It’s been almost four whole years since she had that seizure. Four whole years since my anxiety started, and yet I still have it. At times it does discourage me, but I’m a big believer in getting what someone deserves. The four years have only pushed me to be stronger, to feel more, and to appreciate myself. I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy, that there hasn’t ever been a time where I’ve felt like God or some greater force has screwed me over, because at times I have gotten so mad I’ve just broken down. But the important thing is that I always choose to get back up.
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