Hospital? No thanks!!

If you are planning on getting sick or injured in the future please don’t expect me to turn up for a friendly visit at your chosen hospital. It’s not that I don’t like you or want you to get better, it’s not that I can’t be bothered making the trip or that I have to work and don’t have the time. I know what you’re thinking. I’m going to go on and on about the smell of death in all hospitals and claim that is so unbearable that I just couldn’t possibly bring myself to endure 15 minutes of listening to my unwell loved one complain about how they got food poisoning and ironically now risk further sickness eating the hospitals food. Again this is not the problem. The problem is THE STARE OF DEATH!

Every time. Every damn time I go to a hospital the same thing happens. I nervously move my way through the maze of wings and elevators to eventually find out the person I know is in a part of the hospital I didn’t even know existed. I find the section they are imprisoned in and a fat angry nurse shows me to their bed. I scan the room and great news, I see no other patients. Awesome, I may be able to concentrate on making my loved one feel like I care whether or not the doctors found a cure for that pesky rash! 

Now as usual some nurse comes in and dramatically pulls back one of those bed curtains like its opening night at an ABBA MANIA concert only  to reveal another patient, another sicker patient, sicker than I have even seen. Our eyes lock only for a split second but I feel them drain 6 years off my life! But it’s not over….

I can’t get away from them, they just lay there and stare, the death starer, they stare right into my soul. They have a respirator on and their eyes just per right over the top of its plastic nostrils like a bank robbers eyes through a balaclava. I can’t focus, I break into a sweat. I have to get out of here. How can I even attempt to pretend to be interested in my friends’ story about how he crashed his car because he was trying to peel a banana while navigating his VW kombi van through a 2 lane roundabout!

I make an excuse to leave and stand up. The death starers’ eyes are still with me. Its moans. The sound of death? I make a move to the door, the head doesn’t move but the eyes follow me like an old painting in a haunted mansion. I can feel the years ticking off my life. I’m feeling weak. I escape the room.  That was unpleasant….

I find the hospital vending machine. $4 for a small bag of Peanut M&M’s. Fuck this place!

Fletch Sux