The junction was bursting with traffic. Everyone was in a hurry to go somewhere and do something. I sat in my car, my hand on the horn, my mind on my life. We should all thank God once in a while for the fact that even when the mind is going through a tsunami, it still manages to carry out the most necessary functions automatically- like driving. Else we would never get anywhere.

I couldn’t pinpoint my own emotions. Was I angry, upset, disappointed or plain panicked? I didn’t know!

I had an ideal life, or so it seemed to anyone who peeked in from outside. I was hardly 29, married to the girl I loved and who loved me more, and the loveliest daughter God could wish upon anyone. My angel was hardly 3, yet had me wrapped around her little finger. Difficult to even remember the time I had got panicked when my wife, Esha told me we were going to be a real family. Now I couldn’t imagine a life without my rhea. I had the dream job- I worked for the radio and my work was very satisfying and creative. Whereas people would complain to me about job monotony, I was one of the pitiful few who actually loved their jobs!

So where does my story start? It starts this morning when Esha told me that yet again we are expecting an addition to the family. Another baby! Another bundle of joy! I rushed out of the house without a word with the emotions swirling – anger, sorrow and disappointment.

Yes! Happiness is not a big part of my feelings right now. Why? Well. It’s like, you are in a buffet, with all your favorite things piled high on your plate, and someone, namely God, adds one more. But you cannot eat anything because you have the plate in both hands and you cannot free one to actually eat the food.  Hands full! That’s my situation. I have every happiness in my grasp, but I cannot reach out and savor it, live in it.

The root of the problem in one line- I got everything too early. Imagine how it is, if you buy a toddler a video game. He won’t know the purpose behind it for years to come. And when he finally does appreciate it, he would probably have already broken it.

That’s me. The toddler with the video game. I had everything man dreams of attaining in this lifetime, but I had it too soon. I got married at 26. Had a child a year later and now at 29, I have lived through what a person probably lives through in 40-50 years of his life. And where were those years in between? O never got them did I? Before I know it I am a family man. So where are my days of irresponsibility? The blissful state of keeping my mind a complete blank. At least in my own mind I can be honest – I wanted the freedom I had for such a short time that I couldn’t even enjoy it. That time -when I didn’t have to think of feeding bottles and formula milks. No pressure, no interference from in laws or even parents for that matter. Living only for myself. No tough decisions, no heavy weight on my shoulders. Yes. At least to myself I could admit- I want that.

Being a parent meant devoting your life to the ones you have created and doing it selflessly. But was I ready for that? How can I be? I have not owned my life fully to give it off to another. I wanted to do so much. Travels, experiment new things, meet new people.

And what can I complain now? That I had been given the ultimate life a man years for and I don’t want it? Is there not a single soul who understands that I DO WANT it- only not NOW!

My wife thinks I am irresponsible and immature and right now downright cruel for suggesting that maybe we don’t want this child now. Cannot really blame her. But then whom do I blame? Right now I am thinking that I won’t get involved with this new addition as I never wanted it, but deep down, I know; now it is a part of my life. A new chain has been added and try as I might, I won’t be able to break loose. Nor would I want to.

What is this God? Why did you have to give me everything I needed before I needed it? I refuse to take the blame upon myself- how would a toddler resist the bright lights and sounds of a video game? And would you blame him if he broke it before he was old enough to play with it?

Does anyone understand that my free spirit is not ready to be tied down? And now that it is, I cannot wish it to be free. I keep straining against the bonds – hoping they never break and yet dreaming that they do.

Meanwhile traffic cleared and here’s my office. Got to shut down the mental gears on the personal front and switch to the professional side!

So much I need to do. So many achievements to be had! I can fight and win or sulk and lose- but all inside my own mind. This is the life God gave me- and its up to me to make it happy or keep complaining. My choice yet not my choice.

All I want is a few more years. A mid road to walk on, alone, before I reach this state of contentment where I am today, standing restlessly. I won’t change a single thing about my life. My Rhea, my Esha. I want them and just the way they are. But not now. Later! And there’s no way I can do that except swish a magic wand!

So day in and day out, I will struggle till I reach the stage when I will finally sit back, relax and look at my life and think “This is exactly what I want now!” Maybe time will tell.

So tell me. Am I selfish?