This is the introduction of a story I’m writing. Hope you like it. Any suggestions you have are very welcome.

When he looked up it was like a lighting bolt all over his body. When he saw her he knew this would never be alright but at the same time he wanted to be right beside her. It has very confusing. He decided his mind was just playing tricks with him and seated in a corner so no one would speak to him.

He couldn’t get her out of her mind. That dark hair sliding gracefully reaching hel elbows, her pale and soft skin, those big emotive eyes that expressed her feelings very clearly. Her outstanding precence mixed with hel child-like expresions. She was all he could think about.

He remembered how everything had been incredible, too good to be true and too perfect to last long. He allowed himself to be fooled again and convinced himself this time everything would be different, this time it would be alright.

   – Hi – she said in a fiendly tone, sitting next to him – What are you doing?

   – Nothing.

   – They look like drawings – she leaned over to have a better look – Can you teach how to make them?

   – If you want to.

   – So… what’s your name? …

Since that moment everything led to this moment. She spoke to him more and more. She looked for him after school and they sat on the upper hallways where nobody would bother them.

She always speaking and he always listening, responsing always in mono-sylabics. They where like this until she asked:

   – Who hurt you?

   – …

   – Please tell me, you’ll feel better.

   – I don’t like speaking too much.

   – Please! – she said almost begging – I promise I’ll do anything I can to make you feel better.

   – No offense but I seriously doubt it. Anyway I don’t think you’ll believe me.

   – Why wouldn’t I believe you? I have told you everything about me and you can’t even think I’ll believe you. Why are you like this with me?

   – I… I’m sorry – he took a deep look at those tantalizing eyes he loved to watch – I’ll try.

   – Really?

   – Sure. The worst it can happen is that you don’t believe me and for you all this is only a fantastic story.

   – Stop saying that. I just want to know what happened. Tell me… who hurt you?

   – You.

   – … what?

   – You hurt me, a long time ago.

   – Don’t be silly, tell me already.

   – It’s the truth, I guess I can tell you how al happened.

   – Yes… please. I want to know.

Everything begins….

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Comments (2)
  • agriculi on Aug 21, 2009

    You wanted feedback? 1 The story reads like an article,it is kind of stiff.
    2 When people speak you write it as follows: “What the heck is she sleeping again,” Mark turned around to face his cat.
    “Yeah you know she sleeps like 12 hours a day,” Mary replied.

    If you want people to do something try it out yourself (if possible). You can also observe people and make notes. Happy writing.

  • Sand on Nov 4, 2010

    It sounds like and interesting story, but you need to make the conversations more book-like and less like a paper.

    O would like to see more of this

    Good luck.

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