In the Window

Thank you counselor, I walked out of his office, but my mind was a swirl, my counselor just told me I had brain cancer and i would live with it the rest of my life. In this case the brain cancer is listed under another medical term, and the term is called Schizophrenia. At this point you gentle reader, spit coffee all over yourself and go back to chatting with your Facebook friends. However, if you stick with me, what you will find is that it is actually a blessing and a curse at the same time. So, it is easier to roll back in time to help understand how we wind up here with a schizo diagnosis.

San Francisco 1989, I am getting out of the Navy and I process out at Treasure Island. During this period of time, I was raped. So, basically what happened from this incident and no, I did not report it, I went blank. I moved into a world foreign to me, but it felt safe, it is a world of gray. But that did not end the fact that faced me which is the fact that I still have to somehow fake it, buck up an be a man. So, I started looking in windows for answers. The windows I looked in for clues were not my fathers. It was not to long after I got home that I understood I was not meeting his expectations. Normal expectations any man would have of his son, and my dad, he was good to me as a son. But the expectations were not met. So, I had to figure out how to do so.

The two main problems I ran into were, I could never get my ass out of bed and it was embarrassing. I was always making excuses to friends about doing things with them, because I was ashamed. I was not the man I felt I needed to be to be “THAT MAN”. So, I continued my search, analyzing the lives of my cousins, my uncles, my Godfather and god brothers and other men my father respected, and my friends who mean everything to me. And it started to hurt. It hurt because they were becoming men, getting married, having solid careers, leading good lives, and here I sat trying to glean clues from them about how to be “”"That Guy”"”. Because if I became “””That Guy”””, I could have the life they had, which is the life i wanted so badly, to have that day when I could finally say, “”I am “””That Guy””".