Its 3am on a friday night. You were supposed to go to that huge party but couldn’t find a ride. your house is empty.

Out of sheer boredom, you decide to go upstairs and try to sleep. its colder than usual, “thats funny, I thought I left the heater on.” you think to yourself. Lazily dragging your feet up the stairs, you hear a loud crash in the kitchen.

not knowing what it was, you run and grab your bat before going to look.

its dark upstairs, and you are afraid to turn on the light in case the sound was really a serial killer.

finally after 10 minutes you find your bat, then return down stairs once more.

you peak behind the wall slowly,

and you see a man wearing a strange outfit raiding your pantry.

you start breathing harder, unable to organize your next move.

then out of nowhere, BANGG! shoots through the room. Apparently these men have no manners, and fire off guns in other peoples kitchens.

you peak slowly around the corner and then decide to say something. “excuse me?” you say timidly, terrified of what may happen.

“argh???” the man turns around and stares you right in your eye.

it is then that you realize he is drunk.

you peer more closely at his outfit and realize exactly who he is.

He is a Pirate.

What do you do now?

Well, here is a simple guide of what to do when a pirate invades your kitchen.

Do not make eye contact: they see this as you challenging their dominance.

Do not say anything about their smell: They like it.

Do not ask them to share the rum: They won’t.

talk softly, if you sound too aggressive they may try to eat your face.

suggest playing a game of some sort, to calm him down.

Pirates are very competitive, so whatever game they choose, let them win.

If at all possible, choose a drinking game. but try to win.

Remember: the drunker they are, the easier it is to get them to leave.

if you are out of alcohol, go run out and grab some rum. it will make him happy.

after achieving the desired blood alcohol level, lead him into a small room. when he is not paying attention, run out and lock the door.

Think of your next move quickly, Pirates do not stay trapped very long. They are crafter creatures. However if you put it in a cage with plenty of rum, they may stay for years and be your pet.

if all else fails, build a time machine, go back in time, grab a dinasour, train it, and release it on the pirate. The pirate and the Dinasour will have an epic battle. Film it.

Even if the pirate wins, you will now become a millionaire by selling the footage of the dino-fight. good luck, and don’t forget the rum!