They claim to put considerable background research into the name selection process, but I’m skeptical. It seems much more random to me. I mean really what kind of name is Hobadia the Ultron? I don’t even know what an Ultron is!

How could they saddle me with such an absurdity? Even worse than this ridiculous name, the application process for an official designation change is outrageous. I’ve been reporting to offices and filling out paper work for ten weeks, and they say I’m only about half way through. All the while, they go out of their way to constantly use my silly label, as if that will somehow make it stick.

“Are you sure you really want to petition a new name, Mr. Ultron?”

“Now, Hobadia, you do realize, don’t you, extensive research was already conducted to find the best name to suit your personality?”

“Hobadia the Ultron; that’s Hobadia the Ultron, please report to the offices of Atcham B. Grumgrubber, right away.”

And I gotta tell you, every time they use that unacceptable moniker, I twitch. My nerves are shot. How could anybody’s “extensive research” have ever concluded that Hobadia the Ultron suited my personality? If I don’t get some kind of satisfaction soon, I think I’m just going to be forced to kill something! I’ve never been so anxious in all my life. Back in my pre-naming time, I was always such a happy person. Now I’m miserable. I just don’t see why they can’t admit they made a mistake?

It’s the celebrated Name Reform Act of 2132 that tells us how the ancient methods of naming could sometimes be cruel, and far too haphazard. There were times when more than one person actually ended up with the same name. But worse than that, back when parents carried out the naming of their children, names like Terry Cloth, Blank Page, or Luke Warm were possible. That’s why the Bureau of Naming Research, (BNR), came to be instituted, avoiding confusion and preventing such punster parents from cursing their unsuspecting offspring. Now, the Bureau has supposedly perfected the process of naming. At least that’s their claim. We live blissfully throughout our childhood, into our early adulthood in the pre-naming time. Only after our personalities are fully developed does the BNR invest our citizens with the naming ceremony. For most that day is a proud rite of passage. But for me it was mortification incarnate.

I awoke that morning full of hope and anticipation. I knew I’d finally pass into the named time. All my family and friends gathered for the occasion. I breathlessly stood, as the reader of names displayed my designation on the naming consol. I nearly fell off the stage when the reader said, “From hence forth you shall be known as Hobadia the Ultron.”

The crowd laughed uproariously. Even the reader chuckled softly. I thought this process was supposed to eliminate the cruelty! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, “Sometimes the name they give you is all wrong! Hobadia the Ultron, that’s just not me!”