“….so its all about trust really”, she was saying as she brushed a stray piece of hair out of her eyes (which gave her an excuse not to look into mine).

“You’ve got to be able to trust people…an…an…you can’t do it…you want to, you really really want to…but…”

She examines her thumb nail, picking away at a bit of loose skin, her head bowed to the task so all you can see is her hair hanging down; her parting looks like an eccentric footpath in a field of wheat (her voice gets muffled now as well as her eyes).

“It used to be so easy when you were kids…at junior school and that…an you had best friends and gangs …an…well you were just more honest I suppose…yeh honest…you know like when you got upset you’d just cry?….or yell at someone?… like your feelings were out there in line with your actions… an you never thought to worry about what they thought about you…”

She picks up her drink, moving her eyes carefully so she doesn’t have to look at me, half closing them as she lifts it to her lips and takes great greedy gulps of the beer from the pint pot. Then she puts the glass down, wipes the froth from her top lip with the sleeve of her three sizes too big men’s brown tweed jacket and in almost the same movement takes a packet of Embassy Regal from her pocket. She checks how many she’s got left, selects one and puts it between her lips, lights it with my cigarette lighter that’s lying between us on the table. I reach for one of my fags and she leans over to light it for me, cleverly choreographing the move so the flame comes between her eyes and mine. As the flame dies I look directly at her and feel a shudder cross the space between us (fear? Or disgust?). She blows smoke into it and needlessly flicks the end of her fag at the ashtray, following the glowing end with a too quick flash of her eyes.

“It used to be safe to play out then…back when you were a kid. y’know?… you were always playing out…you wanted to be out there…needed it, y’know…even when you weren’t friends with someone and there was a barney going off…that was all part of the fun…you trusted people to be ..y’know…real…you told the truth an you weren’t…scared… (And she leaves a hole in the conversation but she still doesn’t look at me).