Let the Bureaucracy inventions begin!

                                        (Written by John Vincent Campbell)

A return (part 3) to: Anthropology plus Bureaucracy equals Satire.

            The symbol of the Anthropology Sports Channel (ASC) in 3-Dimensional imagery, the year is 2189 A.D., reveals a figure of an Australopithecus male standing while looking skyward. The physically unmoving “statue” slowly rotates in a circular pattern. While rotating the Australopithecus dissolves into a Homo erectus, then a Neanderthal representation, followed by a Cro-Magnon, concluding in a Homo Sapien figure. All kept the same position as the original.

            A deep male voice is heard, with a slight echo in the background.

“Let the games begin!”

Suddenly the Homo Sapien moves his arms to catch a falling Earth-like ball. He catches it with both hands then dramatically raises both arms, still holding on to the ball, above his head. After a few moments, the combined voices of many different types of human individuals are heard as one together: “The Anthropology Sports Channel.”

A dissolve occurs.

            A three dimensional image of the traditional Red Stop sign appears- rotating in similar fashion to the ASC symbology. A curved black background sign appears below the red hexagon sign. It reads in very large, white- and moving horizontally- letters: “Warning, to the many bureaucratic members of our audience. The following Anthropology Sports Channel show is an athletic documentary on the beginnings of human social services programs. Please do not be insulted by the science of anthropological research.”

            The end of the warning generates laughter heard. A show mini-event coinciding with many customers watching and laughing from inside the world’s many sporting bars.

            The stop sign fades into black momentarily, to be replaced with the representation of a large traditional (circa 19 th -20th  Centuries) college classroom: many wooden tiers filled with, and currently empty, student’s seat/table combinations. The raised platform at the bottom of this educational half-circle, the speaker’s dais, is the bond holding this transfer of knowledge together. A wooden platform fronts for the large teacher’s chalkboard. Of course modern technologies, while keeping the antique look of the flat off-green rectangle, are using a digital based computer programmed monitor.

            Still, tradition keeps its place when the speaker uses a chalk-shaped rod to write with. There isn’t any chalk dust to choke on anymore. Even the smoky erasers can’t find a job.

            The classroom radiates out towards the broadcast audience. Making them feel as if they are just another student sitting in. After waiting enough time to establish what the upcoming program is about; the title appears on the chalkboard: BUREAUCRACY 101.

            The silence soon gives way to the sounds of footsteps approaching. Announcing the arrival of a tall, white haired, elderly gentleman. He wears a dark grey, plaid beret cap, resting above a medium grey colored trench coat which enshrouds a matching vest, white buttoned shirt (with grey tie) and dark grey pants. His left hand carries a dark reddish-brown, wooden, curved handle umbrella; acting as if it’s his walking cane. Standing next to the podium, the speaker reads the chalkboard aloud before turning towards his “students”.

            His kind, intelligent eyes are complimented by a thin white moustache giving him an amazing resemblance to a character from a 20th  Century movie film entitled “Field of Dreams” which was portrayed by the actor Burt Lancaster. He smiles before beginning his course lecture.

“Welcome, I am Professor Arnold Graham. Today…” Graham turns to hold a raised right arm towards the words upon the chalkboard. “…we shall take an intelligent look at the beginnings of bureaucracy.” The professor pauses a moment, then winks with his left eye towards the primary camera. “Which actually did occur during our caveman ages.”

            This last remark leaves many viewers, both at home and in the sporting bars, groaning and muttering out loud:

“Awww, think I’m going to puke now.”

“Damn! Explains a lot about the ongoing behaviors of unelected officials!”

“I’m amazed we even evolved after all this.”

“You knew we could fill out papperwork back then?”

“Wow!(scratching beneath his stubbly chin) We had excessive administrations in the beginnings? Can certainly see why dictatorships have been so common.”

“(Groans, followed by a loud burp) This’ll be a heavy drinking day for me.”

            Professor Graham grins. Almost as if he is reading the minds of the multitude of now disgruntled viewers.

“It never ceases to become more amazing as anthropological research reveals how much of humanity’s current functions started many thousands of years ago.”

            He waves his right arm in a gesture to erase the chalkboard. BUREAUCRACY 101 disappears, Graham walks towards the large rectangle. He then raises his umbrella cane skyward, turns his head towards the camera.

“Who needs a chalk stick when you have an umbrella you can use?” The professor leans forward a bit. “Remember, classrooms mean to NOT forget to turn your brain on.” He leans  back, grinning even wider.

            This last remark has a number of students, sitting in the bars of many highly rated universities, quickly order another round of drinks.

            Professor Graham becomes a little more animated.

“We’ll open class with some images from 40,000 years ago. My personal greetings to Professor Fiona Tojira.” The gentleman bows down in traditional greeting respect.

            The chalkboard suddenly reveals a 2-Dimensional moving picture of a human female dressed up in the now standard “Planet of the Apes” make-up/primate undercover suit. As many others have done, she also holds a microphone disguised as a banana in her right hand.

“Hello once again Professor Graham.” She leans against the mid-chest high granite rocks behind her. “My colleagues and I are here in Ethiopia’s Afar Rift observing what appears to be the first examples of bureaucratic behavior in early humans. Robert and Miguel have been using the wireless controlled camera units to record the following imagery.”

            The medium shot of Fiona dissolves into a very unusual picture. A couple of half-buried greenstones have been covered with a large, flat, granite, and near rectangular piece. It looks like a table top from the Paleolithic era. The piece next to this jigsaw is where the weirdness begins.

Tojira’s voice-over narration can be heard.

“Time delays dissolve into another cinematographic image- suddenly the large, bleached, bone pelvis of a Mastodon rests upon four upper thigh bones. The four are rehearsing as if they are this chair’s legs.” Another time delay dissolve, reveals a very overweight caveman sitting in this large chair. Curiously to the viewers, this Cro-Magnon wanna-be is going bald with slicked back black hair, clean shaven with large bulging brown eyes. The visible upper half of his torso is hairless with rolls of fat showing. Both arms rest upon the table-top as if ready for some sort of action.

            Technician Robert Johnson is heard commenting, British accent style, upon this eyesore.

“I wonder where this fat bastard came from? He doesn’t look like he could even crawl after anything to eat. Never mind tryin’ to run after it.”

            Friend and colleague Miguel Rivera laughs and adds his comments.

“Maybe he likes worms? Or some turtles with plenty of eggs on the side?”

            Fiona can be seen onscreen laughing by her “ape-like” partners. She is looking down at one of the disguised screen monitors.

“That large nose of his does make him look like a bird with a big beak and all that.”

“Maybe then, he’s an offshoot of the Vulture genus. The huge nose plus going maroon sunburnt bald, does seem like a beak on a Buzzard’s red head. Hey, the only things he could catch would be dead already!”

            Robert’s comeback has the trio enjoying themselves. Fiona actually has to gather herself to continue her lecture speech.

            “Professor Graham, adding to the caveman sitting behind a desk, (Fiona’s voice now shifts in tone here) Miguel could you please show everyone the LINE?”

“Si, Fiona.”

            Rivera’s cameras, hidden in the trees above the tabletop, reveals a truly never seen before sight! At least never seen in prehistoric times. While amazingly common in humanity’s modern world, anthropologists had never discovered any buried evidence or traces of when Homo Sapiens (or their forebears) first learned to stand in line. Cro-Magnons were doing it here. A group/tribe of 47 males, females, and children were just standing. Not moving in any direction at all. One standing behind another. Just waiting to see the sitting caveman behind the table. What is up with this?

            Modern man may take this for granted. But to see (and many butts to see in those days) cavemen doing it? For 2189 A.D. viewers, many kept thinking upon how unnatural this all looked.

            What were they waiting for?

-Food? That seemed the most obvious answer, the fat caveman behind the table seemed

             the proof of eats to be got.

-Medical needs? “Who is my twin’s father? Really, I can’t tell.”

-Shelter? “Any caves available tonight?”

-Clothing? “Got anything in Hyena décor?”

-Playthings for the children? “How’s your supply of dried-up monkey bodies?”

            Then folks began to get a little creative…

-Entertainment? “You grunts here for the football (soccer) game?”(They played in those days using ape skulls to kick around- balls not invented yet plus their feet were harder.)

-Weather forecasts? “Hey, when we have to leave? Go (South) to the big river bend?”

-Relief? “When that fermented cow brains going to be ready? I feel like getting more

               stupid than we already are.”

-Hunting assistance? “Got any clubs not made from Balsa wood? Can’t even kill baby

                                   mice with those wannabe sticks.” (stomach growls afterward)

            What Professor Tojira and her assistants were able to learn from their research came from the next visual/audio scenario. The Cro-Magnons in line all stood around 5 feet tall, were of average weight yet muscled from all of the physical activity it took to survive. There were two exceptions: the first being the fat “bastard” sitting behind the table top, and his next customer- a very tall, Neanderthal looking individual. His size and physical strength has caused the others to give him a little more distance.

Robert Johnson has a reason for his presence there.

“Wonder if he’s a cross between in-breeding?

“What? Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon? Can they even breed together?”

“Good idea. But I wasn’t thinking along those lines. How does Neanderthal and Gorilla sound?”

Again, Johnson’s humorous replies get his friends laughing. And back in 2189 some replies from the sporting bars arise. Here’s one from Tokyo, Japan.

“Think the Samurai evolved from that?”

“Nah… more likely the linemen in American football games.”

The pair nod together while raising their Sake cups in a toast before downing the drinks.

            Their toast travels back in time 40,000 years to the trio watching as the first in line steps forward. His height, around six feet-nine or ten inches tall (estimated by Rivera), causes the stern look sculpted upon the desk man’s facial features to shift into a look of fear. His visitor pretends not to notice. Instead he looks down upon the weapon-like pieces resting on the table top. The anthropologists can recognize what appear to be spears of varying lengths. All have blades made from chipped local stones, then fitted into slots at one end and wrapped with either tendons from meat already eaten, plant ‘strings’, or thick human hair. Or all three.

            Next to the longer harpoons is what could be called knives. Longer stone blades than those on the end of the spears. They are of two different- what could be called handles. One has its blunt stone end wrapped in animal’s hide. A reproduced image causing many viewers to guess, what the anthropologists already knew, that these were used to help in the “cooking” process- scraping the hides clean, separating the animal’s insides, helping to get the bones out for the little children to eat-free from the big hard chunks. The other handles were made from leg bones. Probably to help in the killing process.

            And the future humans fell back into their imaginations about what these knives were actually for:

(From the Giant Jets Engines sporting bar in Manhattan, New York.)

“I think cavemen started our gang fights. You got competitive tribes. Food instead of money. Territories to protect. Knives would be a perfect weapon.”

“Yeah right, think these cavemen would dance like  they do in ‘West Side Story’?

Grunting instead of singing?”

“Howling and screaming might work.”

“Oh, and I suppose ‘switchblades’ isn’t the blade flipping out from the bone handle, but Scarface, trade me that turquoise blade for this gemstone.”

(From the Long John Silver pub in London, England.)

“With the large separated teeth those blokes had, I’d say bloody toothpicks there.”

“Maybe from your side of the genetics, lad.”

“’Least my family can swim, and catch fish for dinner. I’d heard the term Homo erectus-gone wasn’t about your ancestor’s hair styles, but your ladies complaining about your inability to help get her eggs ovulated.” (This last comment gets a pub fight started)

(From the Stoner’s Slow Bar in San Francisco, California)

“Dudes, bet there was a lotta hemp plants needed to be cut down. Then separated and chopped up for smoking.”

“Cool…hey, was fire invented already back then?”

            The customers sit for awhile, red eyed and long in thought. Eventually.

“There was lightning causing fires. ‘Course a rainstorm would make it tough for a pot party.”

            The crowd nods in agreement before slow staring back at the ASC show.

            Next to the prehistoric knives and spears rests a tool that totally grabs the tall caveman’s attention. A thick wooden handle is clear at one end. But the other side is what keeps his large brown eyes focused. Somehow, cavemen craftsmen have managed to create a chipped solid stone into two halves: one side a wide yet smooth and sharp blade, the other a solid hammer-like end. Basically a modern axe head. A close-up of this ancient tool gets plenty of oohs and aahs from viewers all over this modern planet Earth. Without a moment’s thought, the tall visitor points his large right hand just above the axe. Which he picks up and holds with that hand. Then stares down at the now, sweating heavily, seated desk jockey. A large gulp follows when the taller, and much stronger, caveman tilts his large hairier head to one side and grunts a questioning tone.

“Ooo?”

            His question completely misses in connecting with the wet, trembling clerk. The motions of the first bureaucrat’s continually shifting eyeballs tell the learned scientists, currently observing, a great deal. Miguel’s tone is that of one seeing something often seen before.

“Blank and stupid stares… Where’s evolution gone? Think now we see them whenever  t-zombiesare texting.”

Fiona shrugs, and then adds a smile to her apelike appearance.

“Oh, we can add a new image to the human evolutionary ‘walker’s’ timeline.” She pulls back from the stones she is leaning on, to imitate what she is about to say. “After the last picture of a naked Homo Sapien; now have him following a naked Homo Zombie. Earphones are plugged in, both hands operating a Dingleberry comp-phone. So completely focused on his own universe he has stepped into an open manhole. Drops halfway down.” Fiona gets on her knees, still pretending to be texting. “And never even looks up to see the disaster about to occur! Our species ends with the inventions of hi-technology playthings?”

            The anthropology trio howls in amusement. A comedic moment having an effect 40,000 years in the future. Professor Graham standing before the chalkboard, using his umbrella for a response. He brings up an original the ‘walk through evolution timeline’ illustrations. Keeping his creation in a mini-rectangle while the larger dramas from the past continue on. Then adding his own drawing style to match Fiona’s tale.

            The actions of teachers, 40,000 years apart, do have an effect on those students who love to learn. Matching the current behaviors in 2189 at the Aboriginal Rugby bar in Sydney, Australia.

            Here, a local t-zombie is being dragged out of the men’s room, completely oblivious to the two muscular Aussies holding him up while muttering to each other. The blank twit’s expression is totally focused inside the mini-computer he’s clamped on to. His uncombed, straggly hair bouncing off an empty mug, making his face a perfect companion to the stupidity of leaving one’s pants/combo down around the ankles when:

-customers needing to use a public stall are kept waiting indefinitely; because a fellow member of the same species, won’t leave his ‘private’ stall since he would be abandoning his own universe. A universe where others do not have their own needs interfering in the worlds of a t-zombie.

Too complicated? (Hmmmmm)

Then, Wake-Up! You zombies are not the only living things in the world. Who do you think invented and made the toy you are taking so seriously?

            The customers in the Aboriginal Rugbybar, cheer their protective student ‘bouncers’. Buying drinks for the pair, once they’ve tossed the evolutionary failure out on to the sidewalk. Who appears unaware of his “outer-reality” as he stays focused upon his entertainment- or in his unevolved mind, his universe. Another example that led astronomers to considering the possibility that this universe we all share is not the only one.

            Professor Graham can be seen standing back from his cartooning addition to the evolutionary timeline, grinning widely at his fun.

            Perhaps stand-up comedians from the 20th Century were right, they who suggested that God/Supreme Being/Universal Mind was actually one of them- a stand-up comedian looking down upon this creation, rubbing his chin while laughing out loud (heard throughout millions of galaxies here) at this creation’s activities. Not teachers or professors but those of students who have such a truly difficult time in accepting that other life forms exist outside of themselves.

            Which leads us back 40,000 years to the original bureaucrat, still wet and trembling, pulling out from beneath this prehistoric “desk” a stack of flattened pelts- dried skins actually. He takes the top piece and places it where the “axe” once lain. Now curious, the tall customer watches with the focused attention caveman hunters often used when observing the behaviors of their next meal. His colleague behind the table points a stubby left hand at the flattened hide just lain before the statuesque client. Leaning towards the pelt “sheet”, the tall patron bends over to get a close look. He sees a series of brown symbols covering the skin. What they represent or mean draws the Neanderthal’s mind closed. He looks back into the bulging brown eyes across from him. Points his large free left hand at the pelt’s symbols. Then slowly, and deeply, growls a sound (an early version of “what’s this?”).

            Professor Fiona watches this transaction in fascination. Staring at the screens while typing her observational notes as quickly as her primate fingers can move.

“Robert, Miguel! Either of you understand those brown symbols?”

Both shrug and shake their heads slowly. Robert speaks first

“Possibly the earliest authority-based paperwork we ever came across?”

Miguel agrees.

“Wonder where writing ink started? Local insect juice?”

The trio watches this prehistoric drama play out, with the same concentration as being demonstrated by the towering caveman.

            Fearful of the growl fanning his slicked hair even further back, the balding desk-jockey tries to point his shaking left hand first to the pelt, then to his giant client; then back to the pelt and again to the giant. Then he pretends to move his finger across the bottom of the pelt. Understanding redefines the Neanderthal’s large facial features. Nodding the modern equivalent of a “yes”, he looks around the table and raises the pointed index finger of his left hand. He imitates the scribbling motions, then makes it clear there is nothing to write with. A gesture that seems to communicate through to the seated functionary. He responds by raising his right hand with an extended index finger. Which he then uses to reach behind himself and poke around beneath his waistline. Finished he proudly brings forward a now brown smeared index finger.

            The anthropologists stare in stunned realization. Miguel whispers out an embarrassing question.

“Is our first writing ink what we normally would wipe away?”

Rivera shudders at the thought.

            40,000 years away, Professor Graham stares at this information from our past. Shuddering like Miguel does, the gentleman of teachers simply mutters in a low voice.

“Thank God we invented chalk and the chalkboard.”

            While in homes and bars of the 22nd Century viewing audience; either drinks are unintentionally swallowed violently or folks run to puke in the bathrooms. At the student pub on the Oxford University campus in England, one anthropology major says to his anthropology colleague: “Guess this proves that Charles Darwin was right about evolution actually being needed.” Several rounds of beer were drunk in agreement.

            The forerunner of these future negative responses straightens out his bent over figure, in order to just stare down at the “pencil-pusher” staring up at him. Glaring at the upraised brown finger a couple feet away, he opens in mouth in an animalistic teeth bared growl. Then raises his axe in a threatening manner. Surprisingly to all observing, the fat bastard’s sudden change went from a fearful desk-jockey into an angry, do-it-my-way-or else persona seemed the very beginnings of:  “the bureaucrat’s how to do this job in training seminars”.

Many saw the origin of their life’s work while many others witnessed the source behind much of their own personal pains- basically the ‘I hate standing in these long, useless lines’ crowd. Records that day were set, worldwide in 2189, for the number of drinks ordered due to humanity’s pain-filled prehistory.

            Repeating his earlier pattern of showing what he wanted done, this time the caveman official uses his raised index finger to go from his large butt to the skin pelt and so-called signing it. He does this several times to make it clear he wants the giant axe-hunter to sign the pelt in this fashion. Wriggling his nose at the new odor in the air, the powerful Neanderthal simply raises his axe in a threatening manner, and growls loudly while walking away with the axe. Furious at this act of disobedience, the brown pencil-pusher roars his own frustration; adding to his howl by jumping up and then slamming both hands down on the edge of the table. Considering his obvious overweight added in; not a good idea.

            The large flattened rock suddenly tipped down before flipping over and crushing the outraged bureaucrat beneath it. Plus it is later found that he was stabbed by all of the remaining weapons on this table. Only his outstretched hands and bare feet are visible.

The line of cavemen watching just stand and stare.

            The three anthropologists watching from nearby, stare at their viewing equipment in a combination of the awe felt when discovering something of major importance; and trying not to laugh at the beginnings of the concept of justice occurring. They later became popular speakers (without the primates’ make-up on) at classrooms in 2189. And retired as well-taken care of alcoholics.

            Professor Graham simply turned back towards his ‘students’ with no expression upon his intelligent face. A brightness begins to glow from his eyes. He winks his left eye, then breaks into a wide mouth open smile. Then slowly swinging his umbrella cane in beat to his steps taken, he leaves the classroom, fading into the shadows.