Letting Go

IN the end

            In the fledgling spring of the New Year our love died. It went out with a whimper; it’s final heartbeat at 2:07 pm February 20th 2011. On that day I lost my best friend. There was no funeral to find closure in. The closest to peace I got was pawning over a thousand dollars worth of her jewelry, for fifty dollars. The money was enough for a fifth of black velvet, some gas, and cigarettes. The emotional toll was much more. By the time the jewelry hit the pawn shop shelf it had exchanged hands so many times I didn’t know if it was mine or hers. It was always hers in my heart though.

            Unlike our initial meeting, the end was unremarkable. She simply let go. Years of ignoring the holes meant she was just done. There were no words, or actions, that could fix the mess and take me out of the hell of losing her. I had spit on her, called her worthless, and cheated. I never told her how I really felt. I was to cocky when I should have been humble. I was too rough when I should have been easy. I treated her like dirt, when she was gold. Better than any drug that could get me high, she was thefeeling I didn’t have to chase. 

The spring has come, Trees are budding, and flowers slowly infuse themselves with the world. Life has come back, but I feel like death inside. The hardest part of letting go, was never knowing if we could have made it. Most days I sit thinking about every decision, and ask myself if it was right. I live in regret, understanding it is more than just a word. A thousand moments passed right before my eyes in a flash and I didn’t take the time to enjoy them like I should have. That time in the mall, I should have shot basketballs with her. The time I yelled at her in the Wal-Mart parking lot, I should have kissed her and told her what she meant to me. I have found out that the negative emotion just holds you back from loving someone. In the end you are either with someone, or you are not. All the fighting, all the loving, all the moments are inconsequential if that person isn’t in your life.