“Swiiine flu.”

The call reverberated through the packed bus, managing to be full of mirth and completely deadpan at the same time.

All eyes turned towards the guilty man, who had managed to clamp a greying handkerchief to his nose; Too late, my friend. Too late. Commuters were already edging away from him: the mother (sistershecan’tbemorethan17afterall) with her pushchair; the pack of Rudebwois, even the one who’d cried out in the first place; the girl with her boyfriend, already jammed into a single seat at the back (sillyslagsthat’swhatbedroomsarefordidn’tyouknow).

We glared at the man, me and Ariz. He looked a bit like a balding rat, with his watery little eyes and twitching little nose. Had he not heard of “Catch it, bin it, kill it?” Did he not know that tissues existed solely to catch germs (well in this day and age anyway)? Did he not realise that we wanted to grow old together?

“Some people”, I hissed. Ariz patted my arm, almost absent-mindedly.

“It’s cool…probs ain’t even got swine flu, init.”

“Still, complete fucking liberty…especially with that baby over there (slaggymummakesslaggykidbetteroffoutofthegenepoolmate). They’re more susceptible to disease you know…makes me sick…probably literally”.

“Mm”.

“You know I have the immune system of a 96 year old greenhouse baby, jokes”.

Silence. Did I not even get a smirk?

“Are you listening, Ari? (youlittleuneducatedpakiWANKER)” I realised with horror that my voice had taken on that cracked quality, and my cheeks were bright red: omens.

Ariz seemed to realise too.

“Heyy, don’t worry yeah. Come round an’ have some lemsip, init; can go bed as well if you want, don’t mind”.

“Cheeky!” The lump disappeared from my throat; my head felt clearer already.

We watched Ratman get off the bus. The rudebwois hollered. I could hear the Swine Flu Skank coming from one of their phones (shittylittleorangesamsungWAGWARNBADMAAAN). The mum and her baby had gone too; I hadn’t realised… must have been because I was focusing on Ariz.

Lovely, gorgeous Ariz. We were going to grow old together, we were.