Melanie Sorczak and Daniel “Dano” James worked together in a Victorian Government department for more than a decade.   Although they were co-workers, they could certainly never be described as friends.

Dano was the office larrikin.   Having somehow survived the six-month probation period (during which he could have been sacked at any time), Dano discovered that as a permanent E-Class Officer (low level clerk) it was virtually impossible for him to be sacked.   Thereby giving Dano free rein to exercise his natural ratbag tendencies, in any number of ways.

One of which was his notorious absences without leave from work.   Dano had found that with his simple tastes he only needed half a week’s wages to survive.   As Melanie’s supervisor, Lawrence “Lori” Perkins once said, “That’s all he needs to pay his bed and board, travelling expenses, and keep him in drinks and smokes.”   So Dano only turned up for work two or three days each week.   Although in the public service you are paid fortnightly, so he soon realised that he could achieve the same result by working one full week, then taking the next week off.

As annoying as Dano’s long absences were to his supervisor Jayne Spelding, and to her supervisor Clarence “Clarry” Nobel, even worse were his silly practical jokes.

Usually Dano played his pranks on anyone and everyone, but heaven help anyone who made the mistake of reacting to his taunting.   Then Dano would mercilessly single them out for special treatment.   Which was where Melanie went wrong.

Melanie (pronounced Mel-Arn-Ee) was Dano’s complete physical opposite.   Whereas Dano was tall and spindly, Melanie was very short and absolutely enormously fat.   “She’s a hundred and ten kilos, if she’s a day,” Dano would joke.

Unlike the mythical jolly fat person, Melanie took great offence at being called fat, insisting, “I’m only slightly plump.”

Dano, would then reply, “Slightly plump?   Have you had a good look at yourself lately Mel?   Or have all the mirrors in your home exploded?   Mel, you went beyond slightly plump ten years ago, beyond slightly fat six years ago, beyond slightly obese three years ago, and at the moment you’re just nudging past slightly elephantine.”