Memo from Satan

Year of the Liberal Regime 2009

Personnel and policy change

As many of you have heard Mammon is stepping down after millennia as my number two. He will be sorely missed. I think it is fair to say that he has been our number one recruiter as far back as anyone can remember and the work he has done in the last 40 years has been astounding. It is amazing that recruiting Ayn Rand is still paying such huge dividends.

One should not forget his work domestically. Rerouting the fumes from the brimstone generators into the rings and away from the retirement village has greatly benefited our mission. As for those who have suggested that this represented a conflict of interest greatly increasing the value of his 30,000 square foot ranch home. Thank you I have not laughed so hard in centuries.

There comes a time however for new blood and I am glad to announce that a relative new comer Adolph Hitler will be taking the position as Executive Vice President.  Adolph has a lot of new exciting ideas about increasing efficiency and policy. I think he will help to usher in an era of growth that may one day rival any thing Mammon was able to accomplish.

Ever since the writing of The Divine Comedy we have had a problem with masochist purposely-committing crimes that will result in the punishments they desire. Screams of ecstasy from those receiving their torments have severely diminished Demon morale and have resulted in diplomatic pressure from Above.

It seemed logical to implement the ring of puppy dogs and small laughing children but the beta test was a disaster. Who knew there were so many sadists among the masochist?

Adolph has recruited a committee of some of the finest torturers in our organization and they hope to have a solution soon. Adolph has requested that we expedite Dick Cheney’s transfer but the language of his agreement grants Cheney long life in addition to his other benefits. It is hoped that the problem will be solved before he joins us but it does not matter we have eternity.

New sins are always a problem.

Financial “journalist” are from this day forward to be assigned to the ring for fortune tellers. Where they will have their faces turned towards their haunches and be forced to walk backwards never seeing that which is before them. Ah, somethings never get old.

Assignment of real estate speculators and domain name hoarders to the Fourth Ring has been problematic. Apparently the only see value in things, which will accrue greater future value and are not motivated to participate in current activities. It may be necessary to add an entirely new ring but thank God   we have a wealth of real estate developers on staff.

It has been suggested that a special punishment be designed for those who form excessive committees and unnecessary meetings but there has been some difficulty forming a committee to address the issue. Volunteers are welcome.

All departments are encouraged to bring to light similar issues that need to be addressed.

Lastly there has been a lot of feedback that our employee benefit package is inadequate. Herr Hitler has also agreed to take on this project. He has formed a Blue Ribbon Panel including many former US congressmen. They tell me they will hold exhaustive hearings and empower investigative committees. I am assured the matter will be given serious study and resolved in the timely manner that issues handled in this manner have always been.

Always on the look out for new talent Herr Hitler has nominated Senator Max Baccus to the committee and I am glad to announce he does not share the protections in his contract enjoyed by Mr. Cheney.

 Well that is it for now. I just want to say that I appreciate your good work. Remember it is better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven!