As I walk down the street, the world graying around me, I finally feel the weight of your words sink in. Fighting back the tears, an emotional outpouring that  I can’t hide from forever, I walk on. 

I held you as you cried, your tears liquid pieces of your heart, rolling down your face on to my shirt. I held you as you told me your troubles, your pain, your hurt. You told me your secrets as we lay together, completely trusting me. I took your hand, and told you that I would forever be yours.

I rest my head against the cool brick of the alley walls. The tears slowly began to come, I couldn’t fight it any longer. What you said just wouldn’t go away, and I realize now that there will be no second chance this time.

You always told me how much you loved my smile. You told me that it made you feel safe, that everything was going to be just fine. I thought you were joking, I didn’t think that any part of me was special, and I said so. You just laughed and kissed me, a gentle brushing of lips that had me heels over head for days. 

The walls seemed to close around me, claustrophobia took over my sense. I ran, blindly pushing my way out of the alley and through the crowd, not caring where I was going, not caring what happened to me. You were gone, and there was nothing else that mattered.

The first time I told you I loved you, you seemed shocked. I wasn’t expecting that to happen, you were always so sure of yourself. You looked at me, looking for the catch, the trick, like I was joking about it somehow. Finding none, you pulled me closer, and returned the favor. You whispered in my ear that you loved me too, and that I had saved you from yourself.

I run as far as I can, and then just a bit farther. I need space, some wide open place where I  can let my emotions run rampant. Instead I end up in front of your old house, empty and heartless. The cold eyes of the boarded windows stare back at me, seeming to peer into my soul itself. I can’t bear this anymore, I take off once again.

We were always different from other relationships. We were “cute”, we were the ones who were most likely to be all over each other at a party, or end up kissing in the halls. But there was more to it, we were not just another steady teenage couple. I remember walking by myself through the wood lot on the south side of town, and realizing just how good my life was. That day I went to sleep with a smile on my face and thoughts of you in my head. The next day, Fate finally showed its hand, and everything changed.

From your house, I run to the same wood lot I walked through the day before it happened. I come to a stop, unable to go any further. As I look around, I realize how different things are. The trees seem dark and forbidding, their branches reaching out to clutch at my flesh, the pathway a dark maw waiting for me to walk down into its gullet. The tears still fresh on my face, I slowly begin to stumble deeper into the woods.

When I woke up, I knew already that something was wrong. The light seemed grayer and the texture of the world undefined. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes when you called, and told me to meet you as soon as I could. Hearing the thick dread in your voice, I felt a sharp pang of despair. Later, I held you as you cried, as you cursed your father and eventually fell asleep on my chest, but it was when you called me that I felt a part of me die.

I find myself at the top of the ravine, looking down at the sunset over the lake, the water aglow with orange fire. I watch the birds fight over scraps, a squirrel collect nuts, a dog catch a ball, but I see none of it. I hear the waves, the people and the wind, but I hear nothing. I feel the world slowly slide forward, and I let myself go as I tumble forward, accepting what will come. 

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