The best of my finished plays. Largely based upon the cronic alcoholism of my father, my brother John, and myself in the 1970s and 1980s. Tim is a mixture of my father and John; Andie effectively is me. I have reformed and have not been drunk since Christmas 1983. My father and brother are both dead.
CHARACTERS
ANDIE DOUGLAS: Aged about 45.
TIM DOUGLAS: Aged about 50. Andie’s brother.
IRENE DOUGLAS: Aged about 40. Andie’s ex-wife.
SALLY DOUGLAS: Aged 14. Andie & Irene’s daughter.
JOANNE DOUGLAS: Aged 11. Andie & Irene’s daughter.
HENRI LASSEZ: Aged about 50.
JOHN BLAKE: Aged about 35.
LORI: Aged 28.
LINO: Aged 19.
ACT ONE:
SCENE ONE:
THE TIME: 2 December 1994, the early evening.
Uses a multiple set where the left hand section is a meeting room.
The right hand section is the lounge room of a house rented by Andie and Tim.
As the scene begins the right hand section is lit up, and the left hand section is in darkness.
Tim, dressed in shabby slacks and a pullover, is sitting in the chair on the left-most side of the room.
TIM
You aren’t really going along to be ear bashed by this pack of ratbags?
ANDIE
How do you know they’re ratbags?
TIM
They must be if they don’t drink any booze.
ANDIE
They’re reformed alcoholics.
TIM
So what do you want to have anything to do with them for? You’re not an alcoholic.
ANDIE
That isn’t what the doctor says.
TIM
Bloody doctor! He probably gets a commission on everyone he sends along to them.
ANDIE
They don’t charge a joining fee!
TIM
That’s what they tell you now. But just wait until they get their hooks into you. You won’t know what hit you by the time they finish bleeding you dry.
ANDIE
And how do you know that?
TIM
Because it’s just like those bloody Pyramid-sellers years back. They started off asking for nothing, then gradually started asking for dough, and in the end they took me for nearly two grand! And what did I get for my trouble? Nothing! Not a bloody thing!
ANDIE
What the hell did you expect to get? The bloody Pyramid of Cheops? I hear that goes for at least five grand. You should have settled for the Tower of London. I hear that goes for two grand.
TIM
Ha, ha, very funny. Hell you’re getting to be a real comedian these days.
ANDIE
Yeah, I’m getting to be another Bob Hope, aren’t I?
TIM
More like another Fred Dagg.
Andie moves backwards a few steps.
ANDIE
Well, I have to be going now.
TIM
Oh for crying out loud!
He picks up a bottle of moselle and holds it up towards Andie.
TIM
At least have a quick snort before you go. Just to show you’re still human.
Andie waves the bottle away.
ANDIE
No thanks. There’d be no point in me going along if I had a drink first.
TIM
There’s no point in you going along at all, if you ask me.
Andie turns around and walks off stage to the right.
The right hand section is darkened, and the left hand section is lit up.
On the left hand side, in the chair nearest the audience sits Lori. In the chair on her left sits Lino (pronounced Lee-no). They are both dressed casually in jeans, or slacks, and cardigans, or pullovers.
An electric jug is boiling off stage to the left.
LORI
Come on lino.
(She pronounces it Lino as in linoleum)
Your turn to make the tea.
LINO
It’s always my turn to make the tea.
LORI
Thanks, I’ll remember that the next time you ask me to make it.
LINO
That’s not quite what I meant.
He grudgingly rises to his feet and goes off stage.
He returns a few moments later with two cups of tea, and hands one to Lori.
LINO
Anything else, master?
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