I was a blip. And that day I didn’t care. That day I didn’t care how blippy I was or how unnoticed I went. Because that was the day I realized how much more honest I was with myself than anyone in that worthless school. More than all those shit stains of society and that I was the only one in that school that was going to make it as something more than a; stripper/prostitute, important corporate business (wo)man (at their daddy’s building), fast food employee, or one of the many other fabulous job choices of the popular.
 I snapped a shot of that dreary day of recognition and hoped that when I looked down at that photo in the many years to (hopefully) come that I would remember the (less than) glorious story behind it.
 ”This day is shit.” I said to myself and decided that that’s what I would name the photo. Then I stifled a laugh as I imagined the faces of the people who would read that title and tremble.
 Yeah, well, shove it. I say to those future people. When it’s my time to shine, I’m not holding back!
 I gazed down at my reflection in a puddle and realized that I wasn’t alone.
 ”Hello, Blip.”
 I grinned into my puddle, “Hello, Carmen.”
 ”How are you, Baby?” She asked, lighting up a cigarette.
 ”Hanging on, I guess.”
 She pointed at my puddle with her cigarette and asked another question, “So, like, what the fuck are you doing over here? Talking to a puddle, or what? God, you’re such a weirdo, Blip.”
 I shot her a warning look but she and I both knew that I loved it when she insulted me and bossed me around.
 See, that’s just how this relationship works, she tell me that I’m weird and bosses me around then I tell her to blow it out of her ass and I make her laugh. Carmen’s not so good on showing emotions, her way of telling me she cares is telling me what to do and trying to change me. And I don’t mind one bit.
 ”Hey,” She said smiling, “Look at me when I speak to you, will ‘ya?”
 I rolled my eyes to heaven in mock arousal, “God, I love it when you boss me around.” Then we laugh. see, it’s just how it is.
 Back at my house we were alone again. Like always, my mother is out drinking. I find the note on the kitchen counter. Well, at least she didn’t try to sugar coat it this time, it was short and sweet and right to the point which was:
Dear Hannah,
Went out to get booze and go to Ray’s. Be back whenever. You know what to do.
Mom.
 Carmen, who had been Reading over my shoulder as usually said, “Hey, Blip who’s Hannah?”
 Of course, being the sophisticated person that I am, I jumped like two whole feet in the air. I had forgotten Carmen was there for a minute and the warmth and closeness of her voice in my ear startled me. I clamped my chest with one hand and the edge of the counter with the other.
 ”Oh, God, Carmen. You scared the shit out of me.”
 ”Sorry, but it’s not like you didn’t know I was there, Blip. Did you here what I said though, Blip. I said ‘Hey, Blip, who’s Hannah?’” And she smiled brightly and brilliantly but, for once, I wasn’t in the mood for jokes.
 ”Yeah, ha. That’s funny.” Any other person would have bought that fake happiness, I’m very good at fabricating emotions when I need to, but Carmen could sense something wrong with me twenty miles away.
 ”Blip,” She looked at me then looked down, shaking her head, “You are truly a disappointment, Blip. Didn’t I teach you to fake things a little better than that, Blip?”
 ”And haven’t I told you not to say my name so goddamn much in one sentence?” I snapped. “Plus, anyone else would have bought it.”
 I didn’t particularly know why the note bothered me that day. Maybe because for once my mother didn’t even try to sound remorseful. Usually she leaves little things in the notes. A “read between the lines” kind of thing. Like, she’ll put “Love, Mom” instead of just “Mom.” Or she won’t mention Ray, or she won’t mention the booze etc. But this time it was all right there. This time she just kind of laid it all out without any hidden messages to tell me it would all be okay someday. And I read between the lines one more time that day and realized that this was the message for the end of hope. Well, for this family that is.
 This is the message that says she’s never going to quit drinking and she’s never going to dump that loser and she’s also saying that she’s okay with all that. This letter is a coming to terms.
 ”Did I lose you, Blip?” Carmen said while waving her hand in front of my face.
 ”Yes,” I blankly replied. “Yes you have.” And I sat hopelessly on that stool in my kitchen, telling myself that the realization that had just occurred was nothing more than me overreacting. But I knew the truth.
 ”Blip, are you okay, Blip?”
 ”Yes. No.”
 ”What is it Blip? What the hell was on that note that I didn’t see?”
 I eyed her cautiously because, just for a second, I really thought she had read my mind.
 ”What d’you know, Carmen?” I asked suspiciously.
 ”What the hell are you talking about, Blip? Blip, I was just kidding. You’re starting to scare me, Blip.”
 At that point, I didn’t care about anything so I didn’t care if I was scaring Carmen. I didn’t even care that I was scaring myself a little. Because of that note, nothing felt real or stable anymore. I mean, I know it seems silly but it was like, if my family could fall apart then nothing was safe. What would be taken away from me next? Carmen?
 I looked at her deeply. Her tanned skin, her exotic features, her long black hair and I wanted to kiss her. Badly. I wanted to kiss her so badly that I decided to get drunk instead.
 ”What?” She asked.
 ”Let’s get blitzed.”
 And that’s just what we did. But even when I was off my ass I didn’t feel any better. Just drunk. I was lost in thoughts when Carmen ripped me away from them.
 ”Whoa-ho-ho. What do we have here. Fresh from your closet.”
 I looked over at her and for a second all I saw wasa pile of lingerie with legs. Then I realized it was Carmen with the lingerie my mother bought me for Christmas and Frankly, I was too drunk and sleepy to be embarrassed.
 Carmen held it up to herself and wiggled around. I knew she was kidding but it arose that feeling of wanting to kiss her again. So instead of replying with something witty and sarcastic I just laid down and looked at my ceiling, taking another swig of unlabeled whiskey.
 ”Yeah, My mom bought those for me to bring out my inner femininity, I guess. But I think she just wants me to have sex with a popular boy so that I won’t be such and outcast anymore.”
 ”Well,” She said in kind of a small voice. Which surprised me enough to look at her again because Carmen never says anything smally. “Have you ever tried one of them on?”
 Her eyes were serious, but I laughed it off, “You’re really sick, you know that?” But all she kept doing was just pressing that same little red lacy ensemble tight against her body. It made me hot and it made me take another drink. I wanted to be drunk enough to blur her out but all I kept thinking about was touching her.
 Then her serious look disappeared into one of mischief and excitement. “I’m gonna try one on!” She said running into the bathroom. I had almost caught up to her when the door slammed in my face and I was forced to stand there and wait for my fate. A feeling of impending doom kept creeping up on me. I tried keeping them at bay with thoughts of running but somehow the feeling knew I wouldn’t. My legs were lead and jello at the same time. I had liquid limbs, due to nervousness and booze, and I was just about wondering why my mom did this stuff so much because it only make me feel heavy and dizzy and sick, when Carmen came out and my jaw dropped.
 I had no idea she had such a body under a t-shirt and jeans. Well, granted they were very tight t-shirts and tight jeans but they still could never get me ready for what I saw in my room that day.
 ”You like it?” She asked and she sounded as if she really wanted my opinion.
 ”Yes, you look fantastic, change back.”
 She frowned then. She was actually upset by what somebody thought of her! “You don’t like it?” She asked, pressing herself against me.
 I peered into her eyes and reached for something to say but feeling her breasts pressed against me crushed all the air out of my chest. It’s like they were breasts of steel.
 I walked over to my nightstand to get the whiskey but Carmen followed, and just as I was about to take a huge gulp she took it from me.
 ”God, Blip, do you have to be drunk to be with me, or what?” She looked truly offended.
 ”Okay, now it’s my turn to be scared. And what do you mean I have to be drunk to be with you? I’m with you all the time and I’m not drunk.”
 ”That’s not what I meant.”
 And before I could ask her what she did mean she jumped me and we turned into one swirling mass of bodies.
 I can add drunk sex to my list of confusing things. I truly didn’t know my body parts from hers and I was so drunk I don’t even remember the transition from sex to sleep. Because next thing I knew I was just lying there in midair starring at the ceiling.
 ”What? Carmen?”
 I reached for her and she was there, just as beautiful as ever. And just as half naked as ever. I looked at the clock and to my surprise it was two in the afternoon. Where had the time gone? It only felt like two minutes, not ten hours.
 ”Carmen, wake up.”
 She woke up with a smile, but soon frowned, “What, no breakfast in bed? I just gave you the most amazing night of your life and you don’t even make me breakfast in the morning?”
 ”Try afternoon.” I said, pointing at the clock frantically as she got up. And as she sat at the edge of my bed her head kind of rested on her chest and she sighed, “Shit.”
 ”Shit is right.”

 The next day at school we didn’t even share the details of our groundation. It seemed to me like Carmen had been avoiding me all day.
 ”So, what the hell?” I said to her at our usual spot in the back of school while handing her a cigarette. “You decide to talk to me only when there’s free cigarettes involved?”
 ”Sorry…” She said, looking down and lighting up. “I guess I’m just confused.”
 ”Confused? I’m the one who’s confused. I haven’t had anyone to boss me around all day. I mean you’re the one who attacks me and now you’re avoiding me? What’s that about?”
 She stared at me meticulously for a minute, taking occasional drags on her cigarette.
 ”What?”
 ”I’m– I don’t know, like I said I’m confused… About me and you.”
 ”What’re you confused about? Nothing’s changed between us.”
 She smiled at me and I knew everything would turn out to be the same. But something in me stirred, a longing to be loved maybe? Seemed so unlike me. Outcasts learn to live without compassion or love or sympathy and all that stuff. But maybe I was sick of being Blip. Maybe I wanted to try being Hannah for a while, maybe I’d like it. And maybe I’d even like being in love with Carmen.
 ”Hey,” I said. “Hey.” I said again.
 ”Hey what, Blip?”
 And instead of answering, I kissed her, because I was so sick of talking to resolve issues. Maybe for once I’d be the one to take matters into my own hands.
 After Carmen and I came up for air and adjusted our shirts I said something to her. Something that only occurred to me at the moment of our separation, like all the oxygen I drew in after the kiss somehow restarted my brain after it’s long hibernation. “Call me Hannah.” I said right before our lips were scheduled to rejoin. Carmen kept her eyes closed, “What?”
 ”Call me Hannah, not Blip.”
 ”Okay.”
 And as we kissed, I heard sirens wail and wondered what they were for. Maybe they were for my mom. Maybe all that drinking caught up to her and she finally keeled over. And I also wondered if she was thinking about me in that moment, as I was thinking about her.