Ok, so I need some feedback on a story my friend and I have been working on, we’re doing little bits each and not telling each other where we’re trying to take the story line. This is a segment of my part of the story, I know it really drops you in the middle of it but I would really like some feedback on what people think of it. Oh and by all means I don’t mean to offend anyone that is overly religious, so don’t reply with hate spam. This is my first thing on Triond as well so please be nice!

Jameus Sust, a young man that walked among the Satus for thousands of years, he was a young boy when his people died. Proud and unwilling to follow the laws placed by the older ones he set his sights on escaping the plane of Origin and the sights of that of the Satus. He called to Gabrei, his only friend in two worlds, he knew that he would be willing to create a new world from the shattered remains of the lower planes. Mankind could not be trusted with their own world just yet and needed someone to lead them, Jameus saw that as his own right, not because he was a kind a caring being but because he longed for power and worship. They knew the only way to escape the sight of the Satus was to become mortal humans. Gabrei descended to the lower planes first, knowing that he would be slaughtered soon enough for breaking the laws but that was more than enough time to imprint the spirit and soul of Jameus into a human woman. With a flash of light Gabrei appeared unto the woman, Mary, and in a flash of light he was gone. On that day Jameus Sust broke every law that the Older Ones put in place. He shaped the future of humanity, a future that was never meant to be. Millions of people live in a parallel time to what is true because of Jameus Sust. He took on a belief created by man and changed it to suit his will. He hid from the Satus as a human Jesus Christ and with a human body and a mind of the gods, the humankind population was his to mold unopposed.

Anna stood to attention at the table where the Older Ones presided, her breathing coming quick to her. The last time she stood before the Older Ones was at her coming of age as a woman where she had to face her trials.
“Anna Boshietta, you have failed your position as a guardian,” said Markon, one of the Older Ones, atop a giant pedestal, “Not only have you lost all contact with your protected ‘Jameus Sust’ but you have allowed him to make contact with another sentient species breaking one of our oldest rules.” His voice was deep and he spoke with a lot of wisdom. Anna could feel grimness of her situation.
“As far as I know Jameus has taken on a human form by impregnating a human woman with his life essence,” started Anna, before she was cut short by one of the Older women.
“And since he will be born from a life essence he will retain all his powers from ascension but will have a human body.”
“Yes, in-fact I followed his companion ‘Gabrei Angelous’, he convinced the human woman and her husband that their coming baby is a profit,” Anna continued.

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