(Another release of frustration in hopes that it will actually benefit me in some way.  So don’t bother reading it if you’re not UP for feeling DOWN.)

You need not worry that my mind is festering away from lack of creation, but instead it just may be an incredible everlasting case of boredom.  Everything I do now, everything I pick up to play with gets shunned within that very minute because I have no motivation to merely toy with it.

What does this mean?

Why, it means that I have suddenly found myself sitting on my bedroom floor, no will to do anything at all because of feeling so useless and wasteful.

And what happened?

Well, for starters, I took the same test twice and failed both times.  Because of this, my day was ruined.  The reminder that I cannot move forward with the real world since I can’t accomplish simple things sets in once again.  Cue apathy.

Second, I have another test to study for.  So let me study for it.  I do so for 30 minutes and find that I cannot remember a single thing.  I take a quick break and come back to the same topics to study for another 15 minutes.  Same process, no remembrance.

And then what happened?

I fell out of my chair and crawled to the bed to try reading for a little while.  Here, I found that I had to reread the same paragraph at least seven times before I gazed at the ceiling and shut the book.  My mind was buzzing. After this, I fell out of bed and lay on the floor, no energy to reach over and turn on one of my favorite albums that usually perks me up.  After a few minutes, I straightened myself up and just sat there.  For a very long time, there I sat, not doing anything at all.

Once that was over I only had to blink to notice how dark my room had gotten.  Nighttime was settling in.  Great.

Here, I stood up, stretched, and sat on the bed to think about what I had gotten done today, what had I done to release some ideas.  I came up with nothing.

My mind is falling apart.  This has been going on for weeks now.  At random, I may suddenly find myself writing down a couple of verses to a poem in my math study notes, but that is all.  I can’t remember basic facts, I can’t comprehend what I read, I don’t even bother listening to music now. Where has the time gone?  Where has my mind crawled off to?  What will it take to finally gain something back in myself so that I can start doing things again, remembering things again, living again without feeling like I’ve just failed at something else?  I can’t even blame stress anymore because every day is exactly the same.  It really is.  So rarely now do I ever get to do anything outside of the house.  When I do, my imagination is exploding with all sorts of random things.  But once I get back home, it shuts off again.  I don’t think it could be stress because I’ve settled into the repetition of boredom and loathing without realizing it, so therefore nothing has changed.  The quick, colorful gaps in-between long drawls of cloudy skies and sad faces are the only things keeping me up because I keep looking for more to happen.

This is all very depressing.  The last time this happened, I didn’t write a thing for about three months, my joy for illustration deflated, I didn’t read anything except what school required, and music was nonexistent.  For it to be happening again makes me worried and feel like I’m sinking into a hole filled with mud.  And I would say I need a break, but I feel like since I haven’t done anything at all I’ve been taking the longest break of my life.  The only difference is that I’m not trying to do it on purpose.  It’s just happening and I hate every minute of it.