I’m empty. I’m empty inside and I don’t know what to do. Why didn’t someone tell me? You see my boyfriend broke up with me the yesterday. Why you say? Well you would never know this by looking at him, and certainly not think it by looking at me, but he says he’s gay. Yeah gay, I can’t believe it. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with people with “alternative lifestyles”, but this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. This is my senior year in college. We were supposed to get married, but you see…..he’s gay. We have been planning our futures around the two of us being together. What am I supposed to do about my plans now…our plans? I mean, you read about it in magazines, and Oprah does specials, but you never think it will be you. My man, the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with is or should I say was, living on the down low! It’s not the fact that I’ve been betrayed or that he took my emotions and threw them away. The problem is not just that he’s gay, but that he has AIDS. For the most part we used protection, but for the last couple of months I let my guards down. Now it’s too late. It’s too late because I am empty. I’m empty because I have AIDS.

Let me back track. My name is Donyelle and I was dating Greg. We were high school sweet hearts. The fairy tale romance is what the two of us shared. Greg was the star quarterback of our high school football team. Sure all the ladies loved him, but I knew he was mine. There were rumors throughout the school about him and Todd, our star running back, at the away games. I just brushed them off; hatas will say anything to bring you down right. Right? Now me, I was captain of the cheerleading squad. You know… the one at the top of the pyramid. Our lives were perfect. No one could top us; we were the “it” couple. I remember when we first thought we were ready for sex. We were in eleventh grade. I thought I was grown and I knew I was in love. He meant the world to me, and I wanted to show him that.

Donyelle: Time to Make Love

We had been planning for months on having sex, and the time was almost here. My mother had yet another out of town business meeting to attend. She was never home. My father, as usual, was God knows where. I suppose father isn’t even the right word to use for him. He was my mother’s occasional lover. We never talked, not my mother and I nor my father and I. Anyway, let’s get back to Greg and me. We decided that he would come over that Thursday after football practice. That would be our day. July 15th I was going to give myself… all of me to Greg. This was a huge step for me. After all I was a virgin. Of course Greg had already had his share of women before and while he was with me. I overlooked his many infractions with other women, because he loved me. I knew I was the one he wanted. The other girls were just opportunistic whores, hoping to get a piece of what they thought would be a super star. Finally, Thursday was here. I didn’t go to school. Instead, I stayed home cleaning the house and getting myself ready. I scurried around the house vacuuming and sweeping everything. Then I went out to the rose garden and cut a few down. I threw the petals all over my bed, and a few into the bubble bath I had waiting for us. Of course I had stopped by Victoria’s Secret to pick up a little somethin’ somethin’ for Greg to go wild over. I just wanted this day to be perfect. I only had one time to get it right; you can’t lose your virginity twice. I showered in the guest bathroom, changed my clothes, and did my hair and make up. Ding dong, it was time. Greg was here, and I was nervous. I walked slowly to the door, my heart beating a mile a minute. I opened the door, and there stood my 6′2, caramel chocolate, prince. He had sweat dripping from his forehead and a sly smile on his face. “Damn baby, all this for me”, Greg said. “Of course, this day has to be special, I love you.” I let him in and he went upstairs to shower. I guess the rose petal bubble bath wasn’t his speed. He rushed back downstairs, butt ass naked. (Not the picture I had in mind, but I went with it) Greg was kissing me heavily on the couch and with no warning thrust himself into me. I screamed in agony. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t taking his time at all. Wasn’t this day as special to him as it was to me? Obviously not, it was over before it started. I could have went to school for this shit. As the years went on, he got better at it.

Greg: Secret Thoughts

I love Donyelle. She has always been there for me. I just can’t shake this feeling. I mean everybody says that it’s not cool for me to feel this way. I just don’t understand how that could be. How can anything that makes me feel this good; be wrong. I mean the way Todd touches makes me feel free. It’s like all of the problems I have just melted away. There is no pressure from my parents, work, or even more Donyelle. She deserves more than I can give to her. I feel some sense of duty or obligation to her since I have been lying to her for this long. You see she knows about the women that I have cheated on her with. The truth of the matter is that I hated sleeping with women. It is just something I did to throw people off the scent. I didn’t want them to know that Greg, the star athlete, was really gay. I am so tired of trying to hide it. It hurts so bad to live with this lie. I long for the touch of a man’s kiss. Speaking of kisses, Todd was the best kisser. I mean his lips were like rose petals tracing his love all over my body. No woman could make me feel this way. Donyelle tried. She just couldn’t be what I needed, and I cannot be who she wants me to be. I am gay. My parents will never understand. It’s like a curse if a black man is gay. You are suddenly carrying the plague. I need to be free. I just have to be who I am. I don’t want to hurt Donyelle but this secret is killing me. We will be going to college soon. Lots of young couples break up once they get a taste of the real world. Maybes there she will find a man who can be all she needs. I want that for her. I’ve been sneaking around with men behind her back almost the entirety of our relationship. The women she knows about, but she would have never thought about the men. I remember the first time we had sex. I was humping and pumping just trying to get it over with. I know she wanted it to be special. I just couldn’t do it.

Donyelle: Planning for the Future

Our senior year of high school we decided to go to the same college. We finally agreed on Spellman. It was a historically black college, and that was important to both of us. We graduated and went on to Atlanta, GA, or should I say Hotlanta. When we got Atlanta, Greg immediately started training for the new season with the Spellman Jaguars. He had a full athletic scholarship. I had a partial academic scholarship, but my mother was a doctor, so finances were not my concern. As time went on the relationship between Greg and I started really being tested. From the hoochie mamma groupies’ beating down his door, to the rumors of him being Taisha’s baby daddy, the stress was really getting to me. I stuck it out though because he was my man and I knew it. If I had known then what I know now then they could have had him. All of them could have had him.

Donyelle: Quiet After the Storm

Here it is four years later; whores, lies, scandal, and regrets later, and I have AIDS. Well it’s not going to beat me. I know there isn’t a cure, and now I’m alone, but I am still me. I am a strong, educated, black woman. I will not allow past ignorant decisions to determine the outcome of my life. I am going to hold my head high and LIVE! Many times when people find out they are infected they immediately surrender to the disease. Not me, I will survive. Now I just have to educate myself more on the disease, and get involved. If I can help others feel the resolve that I have now, then it is all worth it. I will make a difference, in spite of my condition. I will rise above the fear and flourish regardless of my physical state. In order to do this, I have to forgive Greg, and I have to forgive myself. So today, I will cry, scream, yell and cry some more. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will face it with optimism and light.