The Customs and Excise agency was tipped off that a Hop-picking business in west Kent was housing and employing illegals on mass.  A dawn raid was arranged (The Customs and Excise Agency has more stop and search powers than the police!)  The raid was executed at day break, out buildings were searched and arrests were made.

A typical Hop-picking farm.

According to the leaked report everything was going to plan I.e. 17 illegal immigrants had been arrested and the owners of the Hop farm were being lead away in handcuffs. During the de-briefing of the illegals a North Korean man was discovered, he was around 35 and in great physical shape.

A Korean interpreter was brought in to take the standard statement from the Korean illegal immigrant.  However this was no political prisoner or a defector or even an immigrant seeking a better life.  The Korean man claimed to be “Colonel S.A. Ho-Chi-Dansak”  A North Korean Astronaut!

His claim was treated as a joke in bad taste until Colonel Dansak began sketching control panels and switch arrangements along with shut off valves.  According to the interpreter Dansak was sketching the control panels of his space vehicle, to prove his identity.  One sketch was of the outside of his space vehicle, it looked remarkably like the American one man “Gemini” space capsules.

Colonel Dansak claims his Space Capsule is very like the Gemini capsules of the 1960s.

Colonel Dansak became very angry when the Customs and Excise agents laughed at his claims, Colonel Dansak grabbed the nearest agent and twisted his arms out of their sockets in a well practised martial arts move. The now prisoner was taken in an unmarked van to the London head quarters of the Secret Service who would at a later date lose this report on the London under-ground railway.

Colonel Dansak was interrogated for 21hrs straight and this is his bonded statement.  He claims he is an North Korean Astronaut that was on North Korea’s second flight into space.  The mission was going well until a thruster mal-functioned which sent his space capsule further into space in an elongated elliptical orbit of the Earth.

His original mission was to make one orbit of the Earth and descend into the sea off the coast of North Korea.  Colonel Dansak said he panicked and hit the abort switch which fired the thrusters and sent his capsule into the Earth’s stratosphere.  Colonel Dansak was lucky to survive the inferno of re-entry.

Colonel Dansak further said his blackened space capsule’s parachutes opened and he descended downwards and hit the sea thousands of miles off course.  He landed in the “Barents sea” near Russia!  The sea in this area is freezing all year round and very rough.  The Colonel claimed he exited his capsule and inflated his small yellow dingy.

Over-view of the general area of Colonel Dansak’s landing site.

The space capsule didn’t survive the rough seas and sank.  Luckily for the Colonel he was picked up some 12 hours later by a Russian cargo ship bound for the U.K.  According to Colonel Dansak as much as he was grateful for his rescue the Russian crew of the cargo ship were not kind to him, and he had to trade his state of the art space-suit for some moth-eaten clothes and food.

Once near the port of Dover Colonel Dansak was bundled into a half full cargo container along with 7 other people of unknown nationality.  He was treated as an Illegal Immigrant seeking work in Britain.  He was off loaded in Kent and set to work picking Hops for 14hrs a day.

The Secret Service made the decision his story was absolute fabrication and was on the point of sending him to a holding station when, the Colonel stood up and ripped open his shirt, underneath his dog-tags were sensors akin to the sensors applied to patients in hospital in an intensive care ward.

The colonel ripped off the sensors and handed them to the interviewing agent.  There was clearly written on the sensors made in Korea not for export.  The agents blinkers were still up, he concluded the so-called Colonel had escaped from an intensive care ward in North Korea and stowed away on a cargo vessel, that much the agent concluded was true.  Colonel Dansak became angry once more claiming the sensors were for the “North Korean Space Agency” to monitor his vital signs whilst on his mission into space. 

Colonel S.A. Ho-Chi-Dansak resides at our governments pleasure in a converted Army camp in Kent awaiting classification and possible deportation if North Korea will have him back?

Lord Banks