what is the most intimate moments i know?  erotic fiction.  but mom says not to do it.  but should i care?  NO.  i will do what i want, hence i also want to be eeevil.  i tease her, for she is not aware of the things i am.  she knows not the world as good as i can see bc she does not look into these things of the world like i do.  she hides from it, says she is not interested in it, but not I.  No i have celebrated the decadence of the world that i have found in certain people and environment at a school steeped in liberalism.  Where I did not understand why our prof said that there is no actual sex allowed on the theater stage when performing a sex scene, because Id think he’d be alright with it, i said, and another said, yes HE is but he doesnt want to get fired.  Why not?  He is almost retired at about 65 now.

He told me to write about him in Vogue.  to tell of his and my friendship.  He called me his wife to his drama class.  One of them said, “really?”  but i told her the truth, No.  My best friend told him i wanted to marry him which wasn’t true, but i went along anyway to be nice.  Now I am afraid to converse with him longer, although he is in another state, because he might think i want to marry him and ask me to marry him when he has already had an engagement shot down before.  SO sad.

Well ive been shot down before too asking for marriage from several people.  But i was never truly serious, although i think i might have gone through with it just for fun.  Divorce is something i am willing to do for every man i met so far deserves one from me.  I can not love anyone except for myself, because i do not want to love anyone else since when i do fall in love it is then that they do not care about me it seems.  I dont know if thats true.  Let me think about it.  One time, just a couple months ago i was nice to somebody and i think that made him bored bc he ended up telling me how “busy” he was.  Another time i asked someone to marry me and he didnt want to bc his friend made me look bad.  Another time i almost married someone i didnt want to marry until towards the end when i started feeling familiar with him and out of comfortableness and a desire for change and something new, i wanted to marry him in my fantasy, but I left bc i knew he didnt deserve this devotion i would end up lavishing upon him have i stayed longer.

I havent had good experiences with boys or girls, except for mere moments.  I think of myself as an individual who does not need anyone, even her family who she looks down upon as immature and unknowledgeable.  My parents got married because they had my brother out of wedlock.  I was not supposed to be born.  And i think that is why my life is so screwed up.  I am the curse.  Also, my life has been a pitiful thing since my parents were so young and so angry all the time that we got hit so much as well as them hitting each other.  If they were older, perhaps they wouldnt have had such emotional immaturity.  I get jealous when I hear of other people growing up without having had spankings.  I tried to tame my mother by showing her that no matter how many punishments she gave me, I would not change, for it is not through discipline that i wanted her to deal with me.  A conversation with real understanding from her which i think is impossible for her, would have done much better.  Instead, when i expressed my concerns and side, she would always answer in a harsh tone and have no unity whatsoever, no sympathy for what i was saying, there was no compromising with her.  She only wanted me to see her way without seeing a part of mine.  I said you spanked me too much so i hated you and gave you a hard time because i felt i did not deserve it.  She answered she shouldve spanked me more.  My softball coach almost took me away from her when he saw belt marks all over both my arms.  The only excuse i could come up with fast enough was i fell down the stairs, but of course that doesnt make sense and im glad it didnt.  My mom ended up crying but changed her behavior not.  The very last time she was able to spank me I grabbed the belt and pushed her out of my room in about middleschool.  She said open this door now, I said no.  My dad was on my side as well bc he does not respect her.  She said he loves me more than her.  My grandma says im the reason why theyre on the verge of divorce.  My mother said last night that wasnt true, that she doesnt want to believe her son can do wrong.  Dad would smack me and my mom in the face or throw me into walls.  He never touched my brother though.  I think Branden was smarter than us to not mouth off or get him angry.  Overall I am glad that my family is so harsh.  If i respected them id actually feel i need to listen to them…but i dont.  SO i feel as if they are already dead, and i can be the “bad kid” they call me bc i dont care about their opinions.  The most they do is give me a hundred dollars every christmas and bday, or my dad now gives a me a hundred a month, but I dont need it.  And i dont care if they take it away, although they try to use it for their benefit.  A bribe.  I think they think they earn my respect if they give me money instead of a real family i could be proud of.

I met people who were worse, and i find it hard to find people i enjoy being around except for those i dont know and who look good in public reputation.  I have loved twice but have only met one once and the other i emailed for only two months.  How much could I have possibly loved them?  Not much, although if I really fell in love with someone it would lead to suicide i believe, instead of this current crying sporadically out of nowhere throughout the day for years because they belong in my life and are not.  I think falling in love in my view is doing whatever the other person wants.  To be one with them in everything, but my individual side says that is being a sucker.  That i should have people enslaved to me instead to do my bidding.  But it is fun and my fetish to be both dominant and submissive.  But I believe i like independence most of all, for except feeling that i am going to not be able to understand people if i specialize in what i believe and desire ONLY instead of observing others, I like doing only my thing.  But I am comforted by the corruption in Baudelaire or Wilde or about ideas i have found in others’ works that are like mine because I feel then I am not as psychotic or eccentric as people say I am.