Why do men fall in love with me only to fall away?  I heard a lot of boys liked me throughout highschool but they never asked me out.  Someone’s dad even told him, “How come you dont go out with HER?”  And the boy just looked at me and laughed.  Ok that just seems like I said he laughed AT me.  No he was like, in agreeableness, laughing at the thought.  Later when I told him I liked him in highschool he told me I shouldve told him bc he wouldve gone out with me even though he was going out with my teammate.  Thats not good.  But then he said he wouldve went out with my uglier friend as well, and so thats not good for ME…at least to my self esteem.  I like to think I am prettier than all my classmates.  Because, well I AM!  Maybe not anymore though.  I cut my hair like a boy’s.  But this is the way I like it because it is out of my face and neck.  I dont care about looking feminine and pretty anymore bc i just really get tired of people honking their horns or yelling “Hey!” from their cars (or bikes).  In fact one day I purposely looked ugly by wearing an oversized sweater that said Berkeley on it which everyone i know hates, and then I wore the hood and wore my dorky glasses, and my long ass jeans and ugly tennis shoes…and I went out in the middle of the night and took the bus into the more citylike terrain.  Then of all the places I went to McDonalds where i ordered a side salad and something else, bc i was poor.  Oh and a big ass drink bc i get free refills for the rest of the night.  I just stayed in there for a while and I was lonely until some old guys started talking to me.  and then later one of them befriended me a little too much, and he ended up almost raping me later that night.  But anyway before that i thought they were just nice.  he said he was a christian which is why i trusted him but he just wanted sex…and drove me far out in the boonies at a beach where a gang resided.  anyway, that night sucked.

So where was i?  I am not about to look backwards at what i just wrote.

I am listening to Yann Tiersen.  He is a french composer.  He makes pretty good music.  My perverted friend even said that he uses typing on the computer keyboard as an instrument in one of his songs.  I think I know which one, but i am not sure it really is a computer keyboard.  it just sounds like tapping.  no, it is probably a keyboard.

I have been annoying Triond for a good while.  I dont really know why except that i wasnt inspired to come here.  I may even start reading Literotica again.  What got me into reading again was a Literotica commenter on my story.  I tried putting my erotic stories on Triond but it wouldnt let me bc it says only original work and i published it on literotica already.  damn.

Scott and John teddy bears are fallen at the corner of my bed.  They look like theyre star gazing at my ceiling.  I accidentally opened a new Shasta when i already had one pretty much full.  But it wasnt cold so, thats my excuse.

I am using my old idea of Phantom Beauty again.  I got rid of my book by that title on Lulu I think.  I did not want people reading my private thoughts anymore.  In fact the last time I let anyone read my journal she said it was boring.  I think watching me write it out so intently makes people think it is interesting because I find it absorbing and look passionate with it.  But in reality to them they do not find the same enlightenment I do since I am the one I made it for.  My journals are tailored to me and what kind of things I am interested in reading…not anyone else.  And so I will never be a published writer because I do not care about the market.  And I do not do anything for other people…because well, it is never worth it.  People might not appreciate it and then you dont feel it either so it helps NO one.  At least by being selfish I am contributing to my well being…and I am the one constant who will always be in my life and there to amuse and please.  And why be enslaved to others’ wants when this could very well be the only life we’ve got for the rest of eternity?

I am actually writing this while I am waiting for people to respond to my comments.  I hope they write me back.  I changed my profile into a more pleasant one so hopefully they wont get scared off.  Pointing a gun at a kitty and saying I am more beautiful than everyone else probably wont win me any friends or comments…or reads for that matter which is basically the currency of Triond.  That and friendship which I do not expect to gain bc I usually dont make friends anywhere I go bc that is just the nature of the relationships I tend to have-they never last.  And so i dont expect any of them to last anymore because I just get disappointed that I never had ONE true friend ever bc theyre still not in my life.  And at that, a friend that I like MYSELF not just someone who likes Me.  I’ll probably never get married.

I am pretty much an individual.  I remember that ever since a kid I never played with my peers.  Starting with the fake ovens I remember thinking it a stupid game.  And then at the physical games, I remmeber a girl got mad at me and I used to beat everyone at physical fitness things so theyd try to nitpick on “Oh her chin was on the bar!”  Or if I win at the math game “around the world” they say, “IT’s not Fair!  She ALWAYS wins!”  And yes I do.  SO what does all this mean?

It means that although teachers and parents all like me, at least they did later on, not in elem school except for the last year at graduation of sixth grade.  anyway, so my peers hated me throughout forever until college bc well, christians dont hate people usually, so why hate me then?  I went to a bible institute and made a lot of friends, and even had a bible study group write to me the year after I left the school for failing grades.  I failed I believe because I was depressed and couldnt function anymore because my brain was deranged.  The more I focused on homework and TRIED the worse my homework became.  When I worked on my essay 15 minutes before class started i got the same grade as when I worked on it while pulling an All-Niter.  My thinking became too confusing and muddled when I was thinking about critical thinking.  Now people are telling me to go back to college, and I think I may take a online class since it is free due to my grant, but I wonder if my brain will go on overload again and burn out.

I get afraid to think too much.  I feel I am going insane.  I feel like I am going to lose who I am by having a new mindset which is so easy for me to do I would think.  I thought, I could make use of this imagination thing for writing fiction but then i get even more scared and think, “Will I remember to close the book?” or know that i am writing a fiction and that isnt going to blend with reality?  When talking to an actor I asked, “When you are acting the character, do you KNOW that you are acting because your character wouldnt think that.”

He said of course you need to know youre acting.  My psychologist said well the difference between fiction and a delusion is you know youre reading a book.  Sometimes I want to be too creative because I am bored…and imagine life is not what it is.