One 14th February.

I hope you realize that this is kidnapping?

I have letters to post. Hey, leave my mailbag alone. You can’t read those. None of them are addressed to you. What are you looking for, money/ Credit cards?

Valentine cards? You hit me over the head with a crowbar and tied me up in your dining room over Valentine cards? Why the Hell would I steal your Valentine Cards? You really need help pal.

That was made out to someone else wasn’t it? That’s why you tore it up. Someone else getting love and kisses you think you deserve. Have you considered the possibility that you just didn’t get any Valentines sent to you? Maybe nobody loves you. Bet you’re single, aren’t you? Yeah, thought so. Bet you never got a Valentine card last year either?

Just as I thought, never had one yet, and you think the post office is conspiring to hide your cards from you – that you really get dozens. I’ve got news for you, Looney-tunes. No one loves you. No one cares. There’ll never be any happy wedded bliss for you. Is it any surprise when you’re crazy enough to abduct the postie? What sort of husband or boyfriend would you be? Maybe you should smarten yourself up and go out dating? Thought of that? No, and I’m not the least bit surprised. Ah well, it’s something for you to think about for when they let you out jail in ten years or so. Come on, let me go now. I promise not to tell anyone about this. It’ll be our little secret.

Why are you taking your clothes off? What’s that you’re getting into?  Angel wings and a loin clothe? Oh, Please. Are you supposed to be Saint Valentine himself? What are those red stains all over it? And what’s with the crossbow?  Cupid’s love darts right?  But, hey, those look like real arrows. Be careful what you are doing. Someone could get hurt.”

Hey, you know, I got put on this delivery about a year ago, after the last postman round here-vanished one day. Oh God, that was Valentine’s Day too, wasn’t it? . This happens every year. Am I next? Am I next? Help! Help!

Arthur Chappell