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When Jason Cook asked the inhabitants of the planet he discovered, what they called their home, they screamed.  After questioning several of them, and receiving the same earsplitting primitive vocalization as a reply, he decided to rename the place, Cooksworld.

Mr. Cook wasn’t an explorer.  He was, as he called himself, a money maker; a good one. And he could see money to be made on Cooksworld.  The Cooksworldians (or the Eeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahs, as they called themselves when anyone asked (and Jason didn’t ask anymore) were truly gullible and eager consumers.

“”Meeeestah Cookah,” Podwar, the leader of the group with whom Jason was currently trading, spoke sternly to him.   ”Weeeeeeeeeeeee no dummies.”

Jason looked down at the football-sized snail.  His saucer face was empty except for his frowning mouth.  The eyes were on stalks protruding about six inches above his head.  One was looking sternly at Jason while the other gazed at some colorful flowers pushing out of the still cold winter ground.

The Cooksworldians believed that two eyes should never look at only one thing.  In fact they made it a point, for the sake of balance, to focus one eye on ugliness and the other on beauty.

“Please try to not shriek when you say my name.”  Jason spoke in a calm well-modulated voice as an example of how English should be spoken.  At sixty, Jason was, in his opinion, neither handsome nor ugly.  His saintly, patient nature often showed on his face, though, displaying an internal beauty that overcame any physical shortcomings.

“Oh, sorreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.  Me triiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.”

“Please do try a little harder.  I’ve had a headache and a constant ringing in my ears since I met you…. er…. people.”  Jason looked at Podwar with a sad but forgiving expression.

“Now, what, my dear Podwar, have you come to complain about this time.”

“Ah, yes.  Meeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.”

“Please, my ears.”

“Sorry.”

“Go on.”

“Yes.  We no dummies, I say.  You promise. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…. sorry…. Elan here one stick bubble gum for two tons of gold.  He deliver gold last night.  You give him regular stick chew gum.  We no dummies.  We know difference.”

“Podwar, my old friend.  It saddens me to tell you this, but I’m the one who was cheated.  Elan told you he delivered two tons of gold to me, did he?  Well he lied!”

Podwar’s flower-gazing eye shot up to examine Elan.  For balance his other eye stayed riveted on Jason.  Elan in return looked at Jason and Podwar.

“I weighed the gold last night and it was three ounces short.  Of course, I was disappointed that someone I trusted – a pillar of the Cooksworldian race-would try to cheat me like that.  I thought right away of bringing my grievance to you, dear Podwar.

“But no.  I couldn’t be that little.  Elan did bring me some gold so I could at least give him some chew gum.”

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelan! You lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.!”  In his excitement and humiliation, Podwar forgot to modulate his voice.

“Ow! Podwar, go away.”

“Oh, sorry, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.  Come Elan, You lied.  Hide you face in shame.”

Elan obediently slammed his face into the dirt with a force that made Jason wince.  He watched the two snails glide across his large lawn with surprising speed.  Podwar was still angry, Jason could hear his shrill voice grow fainter.

“Hide you face again.”  Slam.

“Again.” Slam

“Again.” Slam.

Jason chuckled.  They were such funny, cartoonish little characters.  Probably a thousand Cooksworldians worked for a week, chewing their way through countless tunnels, bringing up millions of specks of gold to help Elan buy his piece of bubblegum.

Jason couldn’t understand these simple creatures’ selfless devotion to one another but he realized its usefulness.

When he decided to make this planet his permanent home, last fall, he hired one worker to build his mansion.  Two hundred of his friends showed up to help.  They carefully chewed out blocks of stone from a distant quarry and pulled them to Jason’s building site.  Using a tongue-in-groove design they slid the blocks into place, one row on top of another.  They even constructed a vaulted ceiling made of unsupported blocks that fit so tightly together they withstood pouring rain without allowing a single drop to fall on his tessellated marble floors.

At the end of every day, Jason paid his one hired worker a single stick of gum and all of the others went home unpaid; happy to help out a friend.

He used the same technique to convince another group to chew down trees and shape boards for his furniture.  The little handless snails carefully worked flawless gold fixtures for his sinks and bathtub, while another army of unpaid servants kept his growing pile of luxuries spotless and shining.

Since Podwar had called him out of his mansion, Jason decided to walk to his fields to see how they were progressing. The wind still nipped cold at his face, but the sun shone brightly engaging the wind in the same battle fought every Spring on Old Earth.

“Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.”   SeeChee his one paid farm hand shrieked to him.  “EeeeeeeeeeeTs so nice you come heeeeeeeeeeeeeere.”

“Ow! Can’t you people ever learn to speak without screaming.  Someday you’ll blow my ears out.  Then, no more chew gum.”

“Sorry, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah, You know Spring come soon.  I chew up a couple of nice flowers just today.”

“I know Spring’s coming.  That’s why I hired you to work these fields.”

“Okay, boss.  We chew up field like big stick of gum.  Everybody say you one generous fellah – give me gum every day to do this.”

“Yes.  I do try to be generous.”  Mr. Cook composed his face in an expression of someone who bore the burden of lavish charity without much complaint.

“Yeeeeees.  Winter hard time for Eeeeeeeeee….. Cooksworldians.  We eat dried up leaves anyway.  Soon Spring come.  Maybe fields grow grass and flowers.  We eat plenty good then.  This good idea you have.  Turn up earth.”

“No, my good Seechee.  I’m going to plant something better than grass and flowers here!”

Seechee angled one eye up at his human master and pointed the other at the ground-up dead vegetation below him.  Jason wondered which eye was providing Seechee with his “ugly” view.  Never mind – he could guess.  The old trader continued talking, mainly to prevent Seechee from getting the chance.

“Chicle. That’s what I’m planting here.  It’s going to be my gift to the Cooksworldian people.”

“What chicle, Boss?”  Seechee held his voice below screech level in deference to his master’s sensitive ears.

“You’ll soon find out. A shipment of young plants is due from Old Earth any day now. When it comes in, I’ll let you plant it, then tend it, then harvest it.  Then I’ll take it to my secret lab and turn it into chew gum for you.   The Cooksworldians people will sing my praises for generations to come.”

Seechee listened to all of this in a growing state of rapture.  Spring, the most sacred time of the year for the Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahs would, from this year on, be associated with the planting of chicle.  How lucky, how blessed the day when Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah came to live among them with his generous dollops of chew gum.

“Okay, boss.  We do that.”  Seechee lowered his face to the ground too full of gratitude to say more.

The next morning Podwar appeared on Jason’s doorstep again.  This time, Leea, the housemaid sat beside the old snail.  Behind Leea, her mother, aunts and sisters assembled, ready to help her when she began her daily cleaning tasks.

“What is your complaint today, Podwar?  Did I forget to give Leea her stick of chew gum last night?”

“No, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.  Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…… sorry…..Leea wants big favor of you but she too shy to ask.”

Leea slammed her face into the marble porch to show her shyness.  One eye stalk looked up at Jason to see his reaction to her display of humility.  The other looked around for something to balance her view.

What kind of favor?”  Jason watched as Leea’s roving eye finally found a little flower pushing up at the edge of his porch stairs.

“Leea wants to know if you can hire someone else to clean upstairs.  She works maybe sixteen hours a day get everything cleaned up.  But nothing to eat in house so she get plenty hungry.”

Jason assumed a look of a man who felt nothing but compassion and love for his tormentors.  “Don’t I already allow Leea to bring in as many helpers as she wants?  Is it my fault that all of them working together still take so many hours to do a few simple tasks?  Do you think I’m just made of chew gum that I can hire one more… ah… person?”

Podwar looked uncomfortable.  “Sorry, boss. You one generous fellah already.  But winter is hard time for us Cooksworldians.  Leea has to chew up lotsa dead leaf litter every night before she can dig burrow and go sleep.  Now that you hire Giiiiieeeeeee….”

“Ow!”

“Sorry, boss.  Now that you hire Giie to chew down trees, she hasta – we all hasta- crawl long way to get to forest at night.”

Jason looked down at Leea with an expression of deep pity.  “Back on Old Earth, I could hire one human and expect her to cook my meals, make my bed, clean my house, do my laundry, wash my floors and windows and be finished in four or five hours.  But I suppose here, a whole crew of Cooksworldians, needs another crew to do the upstairs.”  The old trader made it plain that the pity was entirely for himself.

“Sorry, boss.  This pretty big house and she no got hands.”

“And where can I find some more workers around here?  It seems to me that everyone is pretty busy already.”

“Oh, no problem, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.  The Oooooooooeeeeeeeees….”

“Ow!”

“Sorry.  They another band of Cooksworldians.  They crawl in soon to help us sing our Anthem to Spring.  Maybe you give them stick chew gum?”

“Of course.  Why not?” Jason said in a tone of tender friendship.

“You one generous fellah, boss, I always say.  When they get a taste of chew gum, I know you get lotsa workers for upstairs.”

“Fine, Podwar, fine.  Now can Leea come in and get started.  I need my breakfast and some clean clothes.”

The following morning, Jason groaned when he heard rapping.  He knew too well the sound of Podwar’s face thumping against his front door.

“Every morning.  Every single day I give in to your demands.  This has to stop,”  Jason muttered under his breath.  He padded across his spotless, marble floor and descended the gleaming, grand staircase that led to the entryway where Podwar waited with Giie.

The old trader was unshaven and disheveled and felt hungry and grumpy as he banged he door open.  He wedged his massive bulk into the opening to block any view into the interior.   Podwar and his companion weren’t worthy to even glimpse at the luxury of a human home.  He started speaking before the Cooksworldian leader could open his mouth.

“Yes, Podwar.  I didn’t give Giie any chew gum last night or the night before.  I hired him to cut down two hundred trees a day and get the logs to the space port.  Yesterday, he delivered one hundred and ninety-nine logs.  The day before that only one hundred and ninety-eight.”  I try to be generous….”

“Oh, you are boss, you are!”  Podwar interrupted.  “We no complain about that.  We just come to tell you, no more trees.

“I don’t …understand.”  Jason was shocked.  “There are plenty left.”

“We got no more our side of line.  Oh maybe eighty-three trees left but other side of line belong to Oeeeeeeee…”

“Don’t start”

“Sorry boss. To Ooees.”

“Can’t you chew down some of their trees?  I mean they have so many, they’d never notice.”

“No.  They come soon for Spring Anthem.  Seechee write good song for this year.  It all about you boss.”

“When are the Ooees coming for this song fest?  I want to talk to them.”

“First day of Spring, Boss.  Good thing Spring coming soon.  We running out of leaf litter.  We keep eighty-three trees, I think.”

“When is the first day of Spring on this planet?”

“As soon as Ooees show up.  Then we make sing you never forget.  Singing makes flowers pop up all over.  Gotta go now, boss.”

Jason watched the snail glide away and spoke softly to himself.  “It’s time to get rid of you, old fellow.  Tomorrow, I think you might just find some poison chew gum lying around.”  He smiled pleasantly as he stepped aside holding the door open for Leea and her family as they slid in to begin their day of hard labor.

That night all three moons of Cooksworld rose full and bathed the planet in a lovely, soft blue light.  The  winter wind stopped blowing the dead-leaf litter.  Down in their burrows the Eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaas sensed the change and crawled out just in time to greet their cousins the Oooooooooeeeeeeeees sliding in from a distant part of the Cooksworld forest.

Podwar moved forward to greet them.  He felt relieved to greet them once again in the pleasant tone of his own native language.

“Welcome brothers and sisters.”

Back in his distant mansion behind his wide, stone walls and buried under thick blankets imported from Old Earth, Jason heard the awful scream and sat bolt upright.

“It good to see you again. Where all you trees?” The one-eyed leader of the Oooooooooeeeeeeeee people replied.

“Oh good thing happen to us this year.  We meet a human from Old Earth.  We tell you all about tomorrow.  Show you Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.  Tonight we sing Anthem to Spring, make flowers pop out real good.  Then we eatum.

Back in his distant mansion, Jason was holding his ears and gasping in pain.  The high pitched squeals had grown more intense; practically beyond human endurance.  The old trader ran for the sanctuary of his bathroom.  Once there he spun open the taps to his sink and sunken marble bathtub.  The rushing water muted but did not entirely suppress the awful unearthly sounds that cut through his brain.  He reached into his medicine cabinet for pain pills.

“First we sing old Anthem to Spring, just like we always do.  Then Seechee teach you new song he write about Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.  What it called, Seechee?”  Podwar turned one eye toward the field hand.

“One Generous Fellah.”

“That right.  You like Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah.  Wait til tomorrow.  You like plenty.  Now everyone in place.”

Leea glided over to the soprano section.  Podwar, Seechee, Giiee, and the other men formed the altos.  No tenors, baritones or basses existed on Cooksworld.

Leea started with an “Mmmmmmm” to help her choir find the key and then launched into the soft opening notes of the overture.

In his distant mansion, Jason lay curled in a fetal position, his arms locked tightly over his ears, pressing hard to keep his head from splitting open.  Fingers on a chalk board amplified to the decibel level of a rocket launching would have provided pleasanter music to his senses.

Back at the forest’s edge, the men, five thousand voices strong, provided harmony to the soprano melody.  They formed an undercurrent, not drowning out the women but lifting them up until the two parts joined and swelled together in a magnificent chorus.

Back in his distant mansion, Jason’s head swelled and popped.  He didn’t live long enough to hear the second song, sung in English, dedicated to him by the grateful Cooksworldian people.

“Why he no answer?” Podwar thumped his face against the mansion door for the third time the following morning.

“Come.”  he said to his one-eyed companion.  “We ooze up side of house.  Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeestah Cookah wants to meet you.  We surprise him.”

The old snail led the way followed by this Oooooooooeeeeeeeee counterpart.  They were trailed in turn by Seechee, Iiee, and Leea, the housekeeper.

“Oh, no!” Leea exclaimed when they found the body and its mangled head.  “I guess no more chew gum, now.”

“Too bad.  Too bad.  Really fine fellah.”  Seechee answered shocked at Leea’s mercenary attitude.

“Maybe we can get new human to come live in house, give us chew gum sometimes.  Podwar was sorry about his friend’s untimely death, but the welfare of his people was foremost in his mind.  “Sometimes humans come to space port.  Maybe we ask one of them.”

“No human come now.  Not after this.” Iiee focused one eye on Jason’s body and the other on the golden sink with water still gushing from its tap.

“No worry everybody.  Let’s go.  Get outa here.  We no dummies.  Pretty soon we think of way to get another human here.”

“Yes,” the one-eyed leader of the Oooooooooeeeeeeeees glided out the window behind his Eeeeeeaaaa companions.  “We help you think.  We no dummies, either.”