She believes in the healing potential of nature and crystals, the power of positive thinking, guardian angels, ghosts, goblins, and God. He believes in himself, his country, and the Second Amendment, in that order, and not much else. Sometimes opposites find that they no longer attract.

Friends of mine are debating divorce.  It’s a hard decision to make, but it seems they have grown apart.  They recently celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary.  He bought her a gold band studded with diamonds, one for each year of their marriage.  She put it on her finger, rather disappointed, and promptly forgot about it.  She would have preferred something more personal and romantic, like a poem, freshly picked daisies, a tattoo of her face on his bicep, or a star registered in her name.

She gave him a talisman made of rose quartz.  He was puzzled, but he thanked her.  Five minutes later, he tucked it into the back of his sock drawer behind the black dress-up socks that he never wore.  He had hoped for something more practical, like a new hunting knife, a subscription to the Wall Street Journal, or a hundred shares of Raytheon stock.

Ten years ago, they shared many common interests.  Today, it seems like he is from a different planet than she.

She believes in the healing potential of nature and crystals, the power of positive thinking, guardian angels, ghosts, goblins, and God.  She scans the skies for flying saucers, but she thinks that the moon landing was a hoax.  She thinks that the Warren Commission’s findings were part of a larger conspiracy, but she thinks that Elvis is still alive.  He believes in himself, his country, and the Second Amendment, in that order, and not much else.

The last books that he read were Death of the West by Patrick J. Buchanan, The Outline of History by H.G. Wells, In the Arena by Richard M. Nixon, Asleep Beneath the Meadows: The Indian Archaeology of Rehoboth, Massachusetts by Charles “Chip” Robinson, and Power, Pasta, and Politics by Senator Al D’Amato.  The last books that she read were The Tarot Revealed by Eden Gray, and The Calorie Guide to Brand names and Basic Foods by Barbara Kraus.

He likes his steaks thick, juicy, and pink in the center.  She does not eat meat, dairy products, or honey.  She is a vegan.

He has a dog, a Scottish terrier named Checkers.  She has a cat named Cuddles.  Checkers and Cuddles no longer play nicely together, either.

He loves to watch football.  It’s his biggest fault.  He can name every team that the New England Patriots played last season; he can also recite the final scores for each game.  She hasn’t watched a football game since 1986.  That was the year that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the Chicago Bears 46-10.

She likes to watch All My Children, Days of our Lives, As the World Turns, Jerry Springer, Crossing Over with John Edwards, Saturday Night Live, and reruns of Friends.  He watches C-Span.

He dresses conservatively in neutral colors, tasteful suits, and polished shoes.  She dresses like a hippy, a gypsy, or worse.  He thinks that she should wear clothing that is less outlandish; he offers to help her choose new clothes when she goes shopping.  She thinks that he needs to “loosen up”; she threatens to burn his favorite Armani suit if he doesn’t mind his business and stop criticizing her choice of attire.

He longs for the days when they were first together.  He remembers that they had the same interests, hobbies, goals, and desires when they met.  That was before she became obsessed with Sylvia Browne, crop circles, and aromatherapy.  She also misses the time they were newlyweds, when he didn’t spend all his days and nights “at the office,” when he still had a sense of humor, before he got a short haircut and wore a tie, before he started voting Republican in every election.

He doesn’t believe in love anymore.  Perhaps he did once, a long time ago.  That’s why he got married in the first place.  He believed that he loved her and that he always would.  She believed in the same things.  They were both wrong.

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Comments (6)
  • Margi on Aug 21, 2009

    They sound like my husband and me. I am sitting here crying and tomorrow is my 50th birthday. We’ve been married over 20 years, but I haven’t known him for years. My daughters are getting older (15 and 18) so they are no longer the focus of my life. I used to have a friend who was the focus of my life and now we don’t speak anymore. I am trying to make friends, but it is not easy.

    I don’t know how I married a man who hates the beach. Before we got married we went to the beach together. But he spent the days going to “junk shops” and he came to the beach at about 4:00. We would go out for nice dinners and I had to convince him to do anything after dinner. I wanted to walk around the shops or on the beach. We’ve been to the beach since then, but he spends his time in junk shops or with our older daughter. I hardly saw him the last time we went.

    We both love music, which is what I think drew us together. He and I no longer enjoy the same music anymore and he spends hours in his “cave” listening to the music he loves. He and I are both shopaholics, just different types. He looks for old Maynard Furgeson records and CDs and I look in the malls for clothes. We both played in band in high school and I even majored in music.

    We met when I had been forced to get a job as a secretary to support myself. Neither of us liked our jobs and he hates his job to this day.

    I recently stopped playing flute/piccolo, but he never came to my orchestra concerts anymore because he took care of the girls. I went back to school and got a degree in reading, so I am now a reading teacher at a private school. I only make pennies, but on the whole I love what I do.

    There are so many problems in our marriage and I don’t know how to reconnect with him. I wonder if it’s even possible.

  • Tracey Parece on Aug 22, 2009

    Dear Margi, Thank you for taking the time to read my article and comment. You can feel free to email me if you would like to “chat” via email. You can also view my relationship column at Examiner.com. You will need to copy and paste the following URL into your browser. My email address is available at the site. Good luck with everything.~~Tracey

    http://www.examiner.com/x-19749-Boston-Womens-Relationship-Advice-Examiner

  • Confluence: Any Stuff! on Sep 22, 2009

    Nothing in common in a relationship…

    nothing in common My wife and I have nothing in common. We’ve been married nine years, and I find myself wondering what it would be like if I were married to a woman who likes the same things I do. It irritates me that we can’t do anything together….

  • Peter Cimino on Nov 24, 2009

    Wow…this is a tremendous article. What an appropriate subject for these times with the divorce rate over 50%. My theory is couples really need to do a better job of getting to know each other before getting married, even if it means taking an extra few years to figure it all out. Things like this can be uncovered during courtship if you ask the right questions and be yourself. Just my two cents from a child of divorce and living through one myself. Great, great piece though.

  • mo hoyal on Feb 9, 2010

    Wow Tracey, I just came upon your article tonight and want to tell you that it hit home with me-as you already know.
    Wonderful article, glad to have read it.

  • Morgan Barrie on Oct 17, 2010

    Yes, am living the same experience myself. Second marriage, and we didn’t know each other truly before marriage. I’d say my wife was giving me an entirely false view of herself (I met her while she was on a working holiday. She was a completely different person than her regular home country personality) I tried to press her for a real glimpse of who she was, and whether or not we’d gel in the long term, but then she got pregnant so it seemed fate had answered the question. It’s been four years of harrowing time wasting emotional upheaval; we’ve separated 3 times, and because of the tie of our child and my insistence we can do better and find real love keep getting back together. I should have done nothing the first time we separated and that would have been the end. I am in her country now (Japan) and we are going to live together as room mates until I can either afford my own place, or until I leave (probably less than a year away). It sucks, but it’s kinda humorous as well, how small minded we can be, how petty.
    They say it takes a village to raise a child, and maybe it takes a village to keep some marriages functioning happily (but then divorce was easy in the village/tribe and if not for money, modern social pressures and expectations, and the lack of tribe/family supports after divorce, it would be just as easy for us) I think the time we live in is what makes this experience as horrible as it is.

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