There was once a large fluffy Armadillo called Phil who lived in the forest. He was a very sad Armadillo; he had no friends, no house and no face. Not having a face made life very hard for the Armadillo, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t see and he couldn’t eat (in the conventional sense anyway). He prayed to Allah every night that one day he may be given a face, not necessarily a nice one, he’d even settle for Carlos Tevez’s. He just wanted a face.

The sad thing is that Phil used to have a face, but when he was younger, he watched the film “Face/Off” with his best mate at the time, the legendary wrestler, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The problem was that Phil was incredibly impressionable, even more so than a piece of clay or Rory Bremner. He watched “Face/Off” and demanded that he and Stone Cold replicated it. Steve wasn’t entirely happy about re-enacting the surgical procedure and procrastinated in doing so for several weeks. But after he had ran out of excuses and been to 8 nights of Phil Collins concerts just to hide from Phil! It was time.

Due to the Inter Armadillo-Human Censorship Act passed in 1607 I am forbidden to go into graphic detail, but basically, Steve got a piece of broken glass and lashed at Phil’s face. The face came off fine with no complications, but Phil had forgotten one thing, he didn’t know any other Armadillos and he didn’t have face to put on! Quickly Steve tried to put Phil’s face back on, but Phil wouldn’t let him. Phil lashed out shouting, “Gnaaaraaaaaaaaaraaararaaa ho ho ho ho ho ho!” which translated into English means, “OOO isn’t the weather nice, I really fancy a Cornetto.” (By now you may well have guessed that Phil is not the “sharpest tool in the box” in fact he is more blunt than a piece of cheese…that’s been melted…and eaten…and excreted…in diarrhoea form.) Phil’s undying thirst for a Cornetto had jeopardised the safety of his face. Steve was getting more panicky and he soon when into catatonic shock. Phil didn’t know this as he could no longer see. So he sat there, his face becoming a huge scab and Steve lying on the floor.

Several hours, sorry days, past before Phil realised something was wrong. He said quietly, “Steve?”, but Stone Cold gave no reply, he asked again, “Steve!?” But still no reply. He kicked Steve and still nothing happened. Phil started to panic and made strange Chewbacca like noises. “Gnaroodepooyloohoho AARGGGHHH LOLO Flange!” which translated means “Ouch my foot that big bold bastard is made out of stone aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I have no face.” It was true, Steve was made out of stone (hence the reason he is called “Stone Cold”), he was made of a special type of stone, wood.