This place is cold and desolate. The air wraps around me chilling me to the spot. Refusing to let me out of its embrace. I’m alone in this dark. But I’m not afraid. The candle that was once lit blew out long ago. Without you I can‘t feel. I’m lost in a place I once knew so well.

This is because of me. I don’t need to remind myself of that. I pull the blanket closer to me searching for heat, but not fully finding it. Everything’s so dull these day’s. As If I’m living in a black and white movie, life before you Is nothing but a distant memory. I try to search for your face but I can’t find it anymore. It’s been so long. I still dream of you. Your smiling, talking, and laughing. But you don’t notice me. You never do.

I’m In front of you. Trying to shout, scream and shake you. But you don’t move, your words don’t falter and your eyes don’t blink. No one notices me. I start to fade, my hands falter as I lose my grip on you and I fall.

I fall away from you. From that light to the darkest place I never dared to imagine before. I keep falling till I wake. My body flushed and hot.

I still see you. Now and again. It’s getting easier now. The dreams are starting to become mere words printed in my diary. Your becoming a memory. It wont be long now. Your sand slipping through my fingers. I have no choice in this. I can’t become a slave to my emotions.

The warmth’s coming back to me. My heart, I’m healing. It’s my problem after all. I broke it on my own accord. Sometimes I relapse. I pull out the pictures I should of burned. I don’t allow myself to cry. I never did. At least I can retain some of my pride there.

I got rid of the photos and your clothes. Except your jacket. If I tell myself it’s mine now then it doesn’t hurt so much. I like to wrap it around me when I have a bad day. When I see couples. Anything that reminds me of what we shaired. What we had before I ruined it.

My therapists says I’m getting better. That I’m accepting it all. But he’s wrong. When he speaks. Sometimes I just watch him, the words he gives me sounds like some foreign language. He’s putting it into a different format. Twisting the truth into a distorted version of lies.

I accepted it was me. I told him that. I wrote you a letter today. I just couldn’t hold it in. It was a relapse. A minor one I was told. But still, relapse none the less.

I’m ready. Ready to move on now. To say goodbye to the life I’m mourning. The life I’ll never have. It’s over. I know that. Maybe it was over from the start. Who knows. We where kids. In love, following our heart where ever they sent us.

I visited you today. I cried. But that was part of the process. I finally understand now. The cold blanket of despair finally lifted to. It sounds like a stupid thing to be happy about. But now I can smell the air. I can see the flowers too. Nothings as vibrant as it was before. I doubt it ever will be. But it’s a start right?

I left the letter on your grave. You had fresh flowers. The tears just fell once I read the card with them. From her. I envy that she had you. That she had the ability to call you hers. But you deserved her. Your death wasn’t my fault. I’ve finally accepted that. It was inevitable.

I can’t let my self think what would of happened if I didn’t hurt you. If I never said those three words. Unknowingly breaking myself more than I ever thought. The month before it happened wasn’t that hard. I just told myself you where happy.

I was happy for you. I really was. I was thankful she was cleaning up the mess I made.

The darks fading to the light, I whispered to the grave. Wrapping my blanket around me tighter. The wind began to die down as the howls grew silent. Standing up. I grabbed the blanket. Looking down I looked at the slab of cement, that meant much more to me than it should.

I’ll never forget you. I whispered into the air. Turning my back to it, I inhaled deeply, walking away, Towards my future.