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As I lay peacefully in my bed dreaming of the wonders of the mating ritual of the Iberian Peninsula mongoose, I was breathing in millions of microscopic particles of dust, bacteria, and most likely airborne faecal matter. The dust full of variety and splendour was composed of a multitude of matter ranging from canine scrotal skin to fly cum. The matter entered my nose and attached itself to the mucous membranes of my nasal passages. Over the period of a few hours the mass eventually filled the proboscis cavities and hardened to form a snot plug. This caused me to begin breathing through my mouth. For the normal person this is no big deal, but for someone whose own doctor has exclaimed that they are a physical wreck, it inevitably leads to the tongue and upper throat meeting the soft palate and uvula and begin to vibrate like two bonking cats on an unbalanced washing machine in its spin cycle. Snoring began! Within a millisecond of the first snore wave crest however my wife punched me in the ribs causing me to wake violently.

Surprisingly quickly the urge to kill subsided, and I began to realise where I was and that I wasn’t in fact a little brown fury creature having the orgy of his life. I also realised my freaking nose was blocked and got out of bed. Three minutes later I rediscovered the art of walking and slowly staggered to the toilet smashing into the walls on the way several times. The wife told me to “shut the freaking hell up” as she was trying to sleep. Again the urge to kill subsided quickly and I eventually made it to the toilet.

Upon immediately entering the dome of bogging silence however, I sneezed the sneeze of the gods; an almighty sternutation beyond compare. Not even the sneezing Masai tribe of east Kenya could boast a sneeze of this magnitude, and they practice sneezing ten times a day (how stupid must they have felt?). The olfactory orgasm expelled the snot plug and the gamut of mucous mixture at tremendous speeds and hit the window, forming miraculously a holographic interference pattern. Amazingly at this very moment the neighbours turned on their laser light show machine and it shone through the bathroom window which interacted with my snout art and projected a holographic image around me.