I am using a title in Filipino because the meaning is deeper. It reminds me of the famous line of the King of the Filipino action movie, Fernando Poe, Jr.,“…kahit butas ng karayom papasukin ko” (I will pass through even the hole of the needle). This means that no matter how hard the situation maybe he will pursue or go for it. 

I am not here to explain the whole story of that movie. I want to share my experience that just happened recently. Three days ago, I felt different, seems I am in pain inside. There were many forces inside me. These forces lead me to feel empty, in doubt, uncertain, depressed, sad. I asked myself, “What is happening to me?” The moment is like I am struggling to come out in very narrow way. I have to move, to force myself to make space but my effort was worthless. It was also like I am in the dark, I want to hold to something or someone but I could not find one. I am lost, no one is there. I want to cry out loud, help! help! help! but my spirit within does not want to move. I desired to stay and be isolated. I cannot breathe. I felt someone was choking me. It was not a nightmare, it was real. I was lost. 

DESPERATE FOR RELIEF

I reached out for my Holy Rosary, Mama Mary would help me. She is my protector. I knew at that moment that other spirits wanted to lead me to something. Suddenly, I gazed the word “suicide” from the open book on my study table. For the past days I have been reading this book about the spiritual journey of a woman. And the latest topic was about the experience on depression. I left the book open after I finished reading. Unfortunately that article is in front of me. I said, “No! No! No”, I will hold on to my God. I started to pray the Rosary and finished it after few minutes. That few minutes were like forever to me. I was in great desperation, wanting, reaching out to someone that would lift me out. I was in the bottom, in the grave, the abyss of melancholic place.  

Then I thought of the stories of those who killed themselves. I believed that because they wanted to escape from the pain, they wanted to end it all. But who am I to judge them? Sarah Ban Breathnach, in her book Something More said, When you’re convinced that there is nothing more worth living for and that there never will be—not now, not tomorrow, not ever; when there isn’t shred of evidence that things will ever change or get better (How? Whyt? Says who?) When excruciating pain—physical, emotional, psychic—is so harrowing you’re on your knees begging for release, you don’t want another depic. You want to write only two words: THE END.