Trinity was always in that damn room. Always there, and for some reason in her fragile state Jesse actually felt guilty about drinking around Trinity now. She still hated her, had no reason to change her mind about that, with the thought of Trin came visions of barking chihuahuas, yapping at her, nipping at her heels. The fact that Trinity was not afraid of Jesse added extra distaste to her mouth. Trinity was four inches taller than Jesse, and nineteen pounds heavier. It wasn’t hard to be either of those things when it came to the twig like, nearly breakable looking Jesse. But Trinity regarded Jesse like anyone else, not the ex gang leader that she was, not the nearly mother that she would have been, just like any other person at Cedar Creek, and that infuriated Jesse. The life the stick sized third year had lived deserved some sort of notice, people should know about the things that had happened to her, but she couldn’t seem to tell anyone most of it. She couldn’t tell any one what her father had done to her, because she hadn’t told Edie, and it seemed like Edie should know first that he had killed the baby. That he had pushed Jesse down two flights of stairs when she was eight months pregnant, that he had all but demolished the fetus hiding safely in her stomach, that he had not once ever apologized for it, but rather had told Jesse he had to kill the baby to save it from her. Thus destroying any semblance of peace Jesse had acquired while pregnant. She had wanted that baby, had been determined to be a good mother, to give up all her vices, to be the mother she had lived without. Since the death of the child however, Jesse had slipped back farther than she had initially been, she still hadn’t killed anyone and that was lucky, she had shot at people, she and left people to be killed by her gang members, she had beat people to a bloody pulp, but she had never been the one to kill. And now that she was here at CCA, she fought less, and rarely really hurt any one, but she had found a new outlet for all her rage, drugs. Drugs had filled the gaping hole in her she had been unsure that anyone would ever be able to fix.

For a little while Jesse had hoped Jason would step up and fill in the gap that made her soul hurt, but in the end he had hurt her too…she knew the way he felt for Mack, she could see it in his eyes. They were never a good match, half of the time they were hitting each other…but she had given him a big chunk of her heart, and all she knew was she had to get numb before she let him walk away with any more of her. She was determined that she would feel nothing more for him, but the last few hours were proving that was also a lie. Jesse needed to escape the dorm with some semblance of sanity before Trinity’s fucking stupid ass drove that out of her too. Jesse scooped up the cigarette case with the three or four joints in it. They were always hidden in there amongst her real cigarettes. Only three hours ago she had snorted more white powder through her nostrils than she had thought possibly, but the crisp clean feeling of everything being numb was now replaced again with the dull ache of something missing, of things simply not being okay. Not being good enough. Jesse swayed on her feet for a second as she rose from her bed. She let her heavy lids fall, as she regained her balance. She was going to cry today…she knew it. And she would not be here, not anywhere near people. As she peered out  the window she realized it was night already. The grey blue hues ran along the room clumsily, looking for something that would bare the time. Nothing seemed right so she grasped her sidekick, clicking the power button, as the screen filled with light, her head reeled, too bright, she squinted until she could make out that it was well past eleven. The day was gone, and she hadn’t even left bed, not for anything other than snorting blow.

Jesse grabbed the first pair of jeans she saw pulling them up onto her narrow waist. They were too big, everything was too big now, eating was even less of priority now. Why should she be healthy, what was she staying healthy for, no one would notice. She was right…who cared about her…Nicolas? Ha, Nic only cared what she looked like when he was inside her, and that wouldn’t happen again. Jesse’s lower lip trembled as she grabbed at the black fitted tank top that she slid over her shoulders. That had been her last escape, when Nic was around her he seemed to care, he kissed her when they had sex, he whispered beautiful Italian into her ear. But it was all for sex, and now he was with Miranda, Miranda who was classy and beautiful and so nice. Jesse sobbed once and then coughed to hide it from the ever-present ears of Trinity. She let her head fall onto the dresser with a sharp smack, as she slid her feet into the ballerina style shoes on the ground, not much caring what she looked like. She had no makeup on, this was the first time in her time at cedar creek she had gone out with NO makeup what so ever.  She raised her head shrugging the black hoodie over her pale arms, hiding all her tattoos. She pulled her black hair into a messy ponytail, no extensions adorned her hair today, no bold statement clothes, nothing with any personality. She was too tired for personality. She shoved her pack of cigarettes and lighter into one pocket, her sidekick into the other. Her ipod went into the back pocket of her jeans, blaring loud angry music in her ears an attempt to drown out the hurt lingering on her face. It did very little to erase the pain that she felt deep in her stomach.

As she stepped out of the room, she slipped up her hood, so very few could see the red puffy eyes, beneath the side swept bangs hanging in her face. She switched the song from angry to “9 crimes” by Damien Rice, preferring the sad notes to the loud angry words. She could do little but let a few hot tears slide down her face as she made her way down the hall. Who else should notice her weight loss besides Nicolas? Maybe Edie, Edie who she had called to come get her when she had first found out about Jason, and while Edie had tried to help, Jesse was overwhelmed with the years of misunderstandings between them, and could not confide in the one person she should be able to. Edie would never notice how Jesse looked she thought, Edie was in her own world, with her followers, and how Jesse envied her right now. Labored breath escaped Jesse’s mouth as she exited the building, walking toward the lake. It was a clear, crisp English night. The moon was bright, but all Jesse could wonder about was how she had ended up this way. Left alone, with no one who saw the trouble in her eyes. Onyx? Unlikely…Onyx had a boy wrapped around her twenty-four seven, and Jesse found it impossible to be around the two of them now, without jealousy coating her insides with acid. She needed what Onyx would always have. The heavy grey eyes watch the ground where she stepped, but saw nothing, only saw things in flesh colored hues, imagining Jason with Mack, their eyes intertwining, fingers touching what she had once loved to feel beneath her own hands. Her heart felt slower recently, heavier, darker, nothing seemed bright enough for her. And most of her days were spent in an act, pretending to happy near Nic, Romeo, Onyx, Tristan and Miranda, not hating them, but hating them all the same. When she left she would fall apart, scream why wasn’t it her. But it seemed as though it never would be her, and all she could do, was wonder, what was wrong with her. As she finally approached the desolate lake, she removed one ear bud so she would hear if anyone happened upon her. She walked solemnly to the end of a lone pier. Lips trembling, eyes cast out onto the water, tears slowly leaking, one at a time, marching down her cheeks, falling to her feet. She wasn’t sure how you went about losing your composure, how people could cry so much, she had never known… Until she realized all it took was one heart wrenching sob, and suddenly she found her self collapsed on the pier Hands pressed to her face, tears streaming falling into her hands, neck slack, head fallen forward, sob after sob echoing around her. She was weak; she was everything she had never wanted to be. And someone would see her, and her life would end, all the strength she had built up to keep herself safe was useless, because it was all over….she was too weak to do anything, too weak to care about herself, too weak to forget, too weak to move on….too weak to not cry. And crying was all she could do now.