I’m awake, wide awake. I should be asleep…it’s late. Too late to still be so wide awake. I’m in bed, my eyes are closed, I’ve tired. So why am I still awake?

Too many thoughts are in my head…I need to let them go so I can find sleep. How to switch my mind off? Any ideas? No stop thinking. Breathe in breathe out…again…in…Out. Nothing. Eyes are open now. I’m sitting up, feet now legs over the side of the bed. The big bed. The big empty bed. I know this is why I’m awake. Why I can’t find the sweet release of sleep. It’s the reject of being alone. The reject of being second to her. 

I’m up the light is on now. There is no point even trying to sleep. Damn him…damn her…and damn me. How long has it been? How many weeks….too many to keep count. So stop thinking about him. He isn’t coming back, he is happy now he is in love now. Screw him and her. I’m better then both of them. I’m not going to waste another day, minute, second thinking about them. Yeah right, easier said than done. 

I’m in the kitchen now, kettle is on. No no don’t do it, don’t look at the photos. Too late. Gosh just look at him, look at what you had. You had him for 6 years. 6 wonderful, fun, happy years. But that means nothing now. Lies, it was all lies wasn’t it?  It’s his eyes, looking at them now they still make me weak. So big, so deep, so green. Put it down, don’t do this to yourself put the photo down. No do one better then putting it back on the shelf, put it in the bin. Go on you can do this, you can put this beautiful, sexy strong man in the bin. There done. Well done. He’s in the bin, just where he belongs.

Tea is made. It’s too hot. 

Sit down, relax. Stop thinking about him in the bin. He is gone he isn’t coming back. You don’t want him back. NO screw that! You do you want him. You want all of him back. Back into what used to be OUR bed. Well no point even thinking of it as OUR bed anymore. Thinking about it isn’t going to bring him back. Isn’t going to get yourself into his thick arms. Tree trunks. His arms were more like tree trunks.