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    Working in radio was always fun.  Looking back, I’d have to say it was the best time of my life.  Getting up way too early, talking about the world and making fun of stupid people calling on the phone.  Toss on some licks, drink a whole bunck of coffee, and then a passing interview or two.  If you’ve watched any reality shows lately, you know that stars and famous people do not want to do radio interviews.  They do it; However, because their publiscist says so, and then need the extra air time.  Some of the stars like it and have fun.  Doing a radio interview is like walking into a firing line.  A mere side comment can get you more medi then you’ve ever wanted in your life.  Look at the Beatles, Paul said he liked jelly beans so they got pelted with them the next 3 years, and from what I understand it happens to this day.  Then there’s the Bare Naked Ladies, who said they like Kraft diner, and now they get boxes of the shit from every fan from Skoegan to Prague. 
    You all remember the most famous interview in the world, and I was the one who asked the questions and watched it unfold.  This is the story of that interview. I don’t even have to mention who it was, and all of a suddent he most famous radie interviews start to pop in your head.  On he top of that list, is probably this one.  This is my side of it, and I really don’t give a fuck whether you believe it or not-this is the truth!

    The day started like any other day.  Some bad songs, some made up songs by fish, fucked up callers, and the usual cast of crazies that call everyday.  At the end of a very bad satire on priests touching kids, I tossed on some music so we could rest.  Sudeenly, I got a call from Dick Sanchez.  For those of you who don’t know who Dik is, he’s the president of Muddy communications, the largest communications company in the US.  The conversationw as short and to the point: There’s a very famous person heading your way, you will put him on, and you will treat him like royalty.  When you get direct orders from the main guy you do it.
    About two hours after the phone call a knock came to the door.  I set down my coffee, looked at the bright blue “on air” sign lit up and shook my head. “Who is it?” I said in my best grandma voice from Little Red riding hood. 
    “Maybe it would be a good idea to go off the air for a minute.”  Came the voice from the other side of the door. 
    Of course this was all caught on air.  I made a decisions, which is very unchjareteristic of me to toss on some odd Dr. Demento song that was 10 minutes long, and went off the air.  I yelled at the door, “Come in.”
    “Thank-you.” Came from the other side of the door.  The door opened and in came a man of about 30 with no neck, tattoos up and down his huge bulging arms. It looked like he was a professional wrestling reject.  He looked at the motley crew of characters around the onyx-black table wearing headphones that are way to big for their own good.  His eyes finally found me and smiled.  “Would you please come with me for a minute.  The way I figure it, you have at least 6 minutes left on this ridiculous song.”
    “Yeah, I agree.  What’s this all about?” I asked as I took a glance at the monitor to verify the time I had left.
    “Did you get the phone call from your president?” Mr. No neck asked.
    “Oh, that’s what this is about.”  I took of my headphones.  Looked over at Billy, a.k.a fish boy, and gave him the sign to keep the music going.  He nodeed and I followed the huge guy who coyuld rip my head off out the door.
    When I got on the otherside of the door the mand said,”My name is Tony.  I’m a bodyguard.”
    “The name and the profesion suit you.”
    “What does that mean asshole?”  He puffed up like a bird and stared down at me. “Look, I don’t need to deal with your shit radio boy.  I could wipe your face with these white walls so well that they would think that red would be a good idea for a new paint job.”
    I smiled.  Being on the wrong side of bouncers and boddy guards was nothing new to me. “Well that would piss off your boss and mine, so what do you want Tony.”
    From behind me came a very familiar oice. “That’s enough Tony. Robbie will be fine.  Go wait in the limo,.  Why don’t you and Isacc go get some breakfast. 
    With a glare and a sound I can only describe as deflating  Tony pushed past me and left out the back door. The voice belonged to a man I had met only one before, but looked like all the kids I used to beat up in high-school.  He stood about 6 foot, skinny as a carrot that didn’t get enough water when it was growing, pasty as most white people who live in Seatle, and wearing his signature light blue shirt, khackis, and black rimmed glasses. 
    “William Fences.  How are you?”
    He smiled his nerdy billionare smile and said, “Hello Robbie.  You got the call huh?”
    “Why didn’t you just call me?  I’d have been happy to toss you on my show.”
    He pushed the glasses up on his nose, and ran his fingers through his light brown thining hair.  “I wanted it to be more official.  So, do we have enough time to get an interview on?”
    “Yeah.” I said just as the “on air” sign lit up.  He and I both looked up and I continued. “Just one question: Why my show?  You haven’t done an interview since you were assosicated with Orange.”
    “Robbie.  I’ve listen to your show for a while.  I was searching for a morning radio show that was fun, clean, and crazy.  I found yours and fell in love.  I listen to your shit on streaming every morning.”
    “Good to know you’re a fan. Ready to go in?”
    William nodded and we walked in.  As ssoon as we walked in the whole studio felt different.  They were off the air and taslking asbout how the show was going to play out.  When everyone say who was with me a low gasp crossed the table.  Walking in with a person like William causes a scene whther you like it or not.  He’sone of the most famous rich people in the world. William waved to the boys and Julie, and theitr hollow faces and waves told it all.  This was not going to be a regular day.  Julie helped Willianm with a pair of headphone sand a mic, and I sat down. 
    “Ok guys, William is here to do a simple interview.  Before we start, does anyone have any questions?”
    William raised his hand like he was a young kid in school. “Does it matter what we talk about?”
    I shook my head. “Anything you want.  We’ll go through your history real quick, and then we’ll talk about whatever you want.”
    Stan, a.k.a Jumpers, asked, “Do you really have the amount of money that they say?”
    “Yep.  It’s really too much in all honesty.”
    “You can toss some of it this way you know.” Reggie blurted out in true Reggie style.
    Willima smiled and tossed over his wallet.  Reggi opened it and counted out $1000.  “What do you want me to do with this?”
    I looked at that, took William wallet back and gave it back to him.  “Will, do you usually walk around with a thousand dollars in your walett?”
    Will looked to Reggie then to me. “Yeah.  There’s always a reason to carry money.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not for me.  It’s for times like this.” He looked over at Reggie and smiled. “Merry X-mass.”
    Everybody’s mouth dropped and I noticed we were on dead air.  With a snap we were on the air:
    “Good morning.  This is going to be a commute to remember ladies and gents.  I have with me here in the studio William Fences.  Say hi will.”
    “It’s William. Hi everyone.”
    “Sorry William. I know, I know.  How do we know thios is William?  I’m going to let him tell his history, and forthose of you around a computer or laptop log in and watch us live.”
    Wiliam took a deep breath and smiled at me. “ThanmkRobbie or should I say Roachie?  Hello everyone.  Let’s see, you want to know how I started?  Well this is all well documented and told in high-schools world wide, but I’ll try tnot to bore you.” He toasted us with the glass of water, and took a drink.” Ok, well I was a kid of 16 and loved what we called computers at that time.  It’s funy to think how far we’ve come from those dinosaurs.”
    “A lot fo it is becaue of you William.” Jamie yelled.
    William chuckled and continued. “Well, I was playing and messing with my birthday present with Reginold for about two years in my garage before we came up with the idea.  It’s so funy to think that it all started in my Mum’s garage because she hated computers.  She thought they were the first step to the destruction of our society.”
    “Some would agree with her”, I said.
    “I gues you’re right.” William continued. “I got tired of having to load and reload the computer games that we were playing, or the typing programs we used to try to write programs.  We noticed that you had o do the same thing for most of them, so why don’t we just write a program that already did those rudimentary things for you.  That was the birth of Software Management Systeme or for the younger crowd, SMS.  We sold that out of my garage for a while, then we created SMS 1.0, and the business was started. A few years later Reginald created an idea to make computers with this stuff already in it.  He did and we created Orange computers.  I wasn’t really interested in it, and in reality that was Reginald’s baby.  I left and took the one invention I had created in the 4 years I was associated with it.”
    “How much money did you guys make on that?” I asked
    “Not as much as you’d think.  But for two 20 year old college drop outs, it was more than enough.  We lost a lot fo money on bad deals, basd contractors, and bad buying decisions. 
    “The one invention was the idea of the moving panels.  Being that that was my only invention, I named my new company Panels.  Little did I know that was going to be the bifggest moments of my life.  Within a year I had put ot the Panels operating system.  Panels was easy, but it still took a little computer know how.  So I created a comouter that would be compatiable with Panels, and wellthe rest is history.”
    “How long after that did you become a millionare?”
    “I made my first million when I was with Orange.  I lost 4 million when I left.  So when Panels 1.0 first came out I was $10 million in debt. I grossed dollar one after Panels 2.0 came out 3 years later.  Those were some hard times, and the stock was at five cents.  There were even economists telloing people to watch the stock to see how a company can go bankrupt without going past ten cents.”
    “Thank-you William.  So how are you doing these days?”
    “These days are pretty good I guess.  The governemtn cut up my company, the public hates the new software, people think I have too much money, and my kids are spoiled rich kids.”
    “That sucks.”
    “Well it could be worse.  Nobody wants to hear the self pitty laments of a rich bastard like me.”
    We all broke into uncontrollable laughter.  When I could catch my breath I asked,”How much are you worth right now?”
    “Total net worth?”
    “Yeah.  Then how much just you?”
    “Now let me explain this for the people out there.  All the things I own, my name is on, my company, and the value of every single item in the world that is associated to me is $100 trillion.  But how much am I the person, without the company, worth?  I am worth $110 billion.  That sounds really cool, but my bank account only has $5000 in it.  Therefore, if someone wanted me to give them over that amount, it would take some time.”
    Yes, that’s what people don’t get.  Just because you have the money, doesn’t mean you can use it right now.”
    “Exactly.”
    “How many hours a day do you work on average?”
    “It’s not a life of luxury like you’d think.  I work about 60 hours a day.  I have to make sure every piece of the company is working correctly.  I also have meeting and dates all over the world to attend.  I also still have a major hand in the invention process and the day to day workings.  My wife is always complaining that I work too much.  I just feel that if Have to.”
    “What are your hobbies Wiliam?”
    “Ok everyone out there in radio land, don’t laugh at me.”  He took a deep breath before he continued.  “I love playing with computers.  My hobbies are computer related.  I’m a nerd, I can’t help it.”
    “What is a normal day for you William?”
    “I wake up around 1am  and talk to my Japan branch. By 5 am I’ve checked on all the overseas presidents and held at kleast 4 telemeetings.  At 6 I make breakfast for everyone.  My kids run off the door to the bus, and…”
    “Your kids take the bus?” Julie interrupted.
    “Yep.  Give them a little taste of reality here and there.” He paused and shrug his shoulders. “ Then I take the segway to the office and stay there till about noon or so.  While I’m there I’m all over the building.  That is not the place to set up a meeting or try to talk to me.  Those that know me try to call me on the cell during that time, because they know rhey will never get me at the desk.  In fact, I barely remember what that office looks like.  At 3 I’m back to the house to meet with my 4 accountants.  Each one checks the other, then I’ve written a program that checks all of them also.  I’ve been robbed too many times to be ok with it.  If I give money away, that’s one thing.  But nobody is going to steal it from me.”
    “What about the modern day robin hoods.”
    “Tell the fuckers to ask for it.  Right Reggie?”
    “That’s right. Just ask him for some money.”
    “Then I hang out witht eh kids and wife till we all fasll asleep.  Saturdays are no work days.  That’s family day and we do all sorts of family things.
    “So what have ypu been up to lately?”
    “Preparing for this interview.”
    “Why?  How long have you known you were going to do this?”
    “Well Robbie, when you did that interview with the president, you didn’t bat an eye.  You made fun of him right to his face, and I knew you wouldn’t get all stupid on me.”
    “Thank-you William.”
    “You’re welcome.  I’ve been planning this type of interview for a few years now.  Fuirst though, let me give you this.”
    William slid a folded piece of paper over to me.  On the paper was a note that read:

    Thank-you for the years of entertainment.  What a time of fun. 
    Yes, everyone is taken care of.  You can be sure of that.
   
    There was also a check.  I opened the check, and the rest of the “Crazy crew” came over to look over my shoulder.  The gasps filled the room as I opened the check.  It had $1 million dollars addressed to me. I looked up to thank William, but it never came out.  He had a small white box in his hand.  Befiore I could ask what ti was, he put it to his head and covered the control room with the most famous brain in the world.  I was covered with blood and gray matter.  It hitr the wall and splattered all over me.  There were two perfect holes in William Fence’s forehead, and a large gaping hole where the back of his head used to be.  We all stasred at the lifeless trillionare’s body till it fell to the ground with a “squish”.  My manger ran in to see us all looking down at the body. 
    Since that time we have all got out of the radio businss.  Reggie invested in Panels and Orange and now lives in the Carribean on his own island.  The rest of the group went in and out of mental institutions and rehanb trying to deal with watching the most famous rich guy in the world off himself on live radio.  As for me, well you know what I’ve done.  I’ve become the new male Barabara Walters.  After that I was the go to guy for famous interviews.  When Barb called and asked if I wanted to take her place, it was just a natural ascention.  As for William’s family and friends?  He had sent an e-mail to only be sent after the interview. His wife became the new CEo and from what I understand, Panels is now bigger than it was before it was separated.  I’ve seen the new stuff, and as you know it’s better than ever.  In the end, I can only say that William was the most caring, compassionate, hard working, kid that happened to reinvent our world to be more like his.